Broken

Today's post is about October 16, 2011, the day all of my dreams were crushed. I explained it a little bit, but I didn't really give you a good idea of what happened. so here it is. All the gorey details (plus pictures!)

 

I went for a bike ride with one of my friends from the DEP. I didn't know that we were going mountian biking and I didn't bring my helmet, but I grew some confidence when I saw a lot of little kids coming up from the trail without helmets and their bikes. So, I hopped on my bike and headed down the trail. I had never mountain biked before, so imediately, it felt like a little too much. I took my feet off the pedals and started to walk myself down this first hill.

Right about now is where things go foggy. I'm not sure when I decided to take my feet off the ground and put them on the pedals, but apparently, I did. All I can really remember from this moment, was seeing a cement landing thing ahead of me and then...nothing. I remember the impact of the fall a little bit, but I don't even know how I fell or what happened. The friend I was riding with was ahead of me and looked back when he heard something strange behind him and found me unconsious in a bush. Apparently, the first thing I said was "Sgt. Oz is going to kill you."  That was our recruiter. That was when the concussion set in. I remember hearing voices and wondering what was going on.

I kept saying "I don't remember things. I don't remember things." and  "What day is it? Why aren't I in boot camp? Has J written me a any letters?"

I have now calculated that I didn't remember the last 3 weeks. J had been gone that long and I had gotten a letter 2 weeks before. Basically, I only remembered that Jake was gone. I think that was the scariest part. Not having a clue where you are or what has happened for the past few weeks is a very confusing thing.

I remember looking down at my arm and seeing it all deformed and telling the people around me not to call an ambulance (I was too worried about how much it would cost. My dad had a heart attack a few weeks before and I remember my mom saying how expensive the ambulance ride was even with insurance.) But of course, they had to call an ambulance.

I got the hospital and my by then my family had been called and they knew what was up. Finally, several hours later (I believe it was dark out and the ride was in the morning) I came to and was coherent. I had a neck brace on and my arm hurt REAL bad. My mom explained it all to me and said that I was going to need surgery.

They put in a metal plate at 9 screws to hold all the crazy fractures together. When I got it taken out, they asked me if I wanted to keep it. Althought it brings back bad memories, I wanted to see what was inside there. I had shattered my radial head, (also known as the olecranon.  Learned that one today in my research!)

and fractured a whole section of my raidus on my left arm.

So they sliced me open and put in all that stuff. The picture with the stitches is actually from when they took out all the metal in my arm in January, but it looks pretty close to the same. Except when I hurt it initially it was much more swollen and bruised. It was black and blue and very very painful. I didn't let anyone take pictures when it happened initially, so I don't have any, but just picture really bad and real ugly and you get it... I also had scrapes and bruises on my forehead and hips and knees and hands. It was a bad situation.

 I went through several months of physical therapy and now I have full range of motion and mostly all my strength back.  Physical therapy was not fun. It hurt a lot. The first day I went, I couldn't make a fist or even touch my fingers to my palm. I was in bad shape and when I was finished with it that day, I went home and cried over how helpless I felt. I did a lot of crying throughout those days. But I felt like I still had hope because they were going to take out all the dreadful metal and I would be able to go and be a Marine. Once I started to make progress, I was feeling really hopeful. I started going to DEP PT and pool functions (Stupid activities that the recruiting office makes you do) and I definitely thought that I was going to get my shot at being a Marine.  It seemed like now that I could extend my arm, the whole world stopped sucking all at once.

Well, some time passed. I surprised J as his graduation and we got engaged on Christmas and things didn't seem so bad. J left and then I got my surgery to take the metal out of my arm. The pictures to the left are of my scar today.  It is fading nicely and I barely notice it except for when I bump it really hard or it gets really itchy. But, the Marines don't care. I got discharged in February (or was it March?)  and now I'm really feeling lost.

I didn't have a back-up plan. I didn't need one. And now, I'm stuck in this dead end job working only 28 hours a week and just begging for something exciting to happen to shake up my week. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, but what is all that time with out a plan or a purpose?

So this is what I've come up with. 

The things I know:

1. I'm getting married to the love of my life...eventually.
2. I don't really like my job but it pays too well to complain.
3. J is getting deployed  next yearish and I'm going to be extremely without him for 7 months.
4. I'm lost.

The things I don't know:

1. Everything else.