The Fancy Version of Twinkie Filling

For some reason, I was reluctant to tell everyone here on the blog what I was doing this weekend, but now that the day has come and gone, I feel like I can talk about it.  

On Friday I took a little drive to California so that I could attend the Marine Corps Ball in Disneyland with a friend.  It rained and snowed my entire drive. I kept looking out into the distance hoping that the sky would calm down, but this is what I kept seeing....

It really didn't look promising, but as I was driving into the LA area, I looked out my window and saw the most beautiful sunset. I almost didn't mind the awful traffic. That is how gorgeous it was...It made me wonder if maybe I should make SoCal my new home.

Nah too much traffic....And the lines between the regular lanes and the car pool lane are seriously belligerent.  Do you really need four solid yellow lines and a white line to put the fear of god into people who dare cross it?

  The actual ball was quite the experience.  I had an idea of what the ceremony was like, but it was very cool to actually get to see it. Sort of. The table I was at was a little bit far away from the action, but I still knew what was going on and it was just a neat thing to be able to be a part of.  My date happened to be in the ceremony, so I was able to sit at the table by myself and socialize with the other Marines. Of course, I could talk all day so it wasn't so bad.

I won't lie, a part of the reason I was excited about going to this ball was getting the chance to buy a formal gown...After looking for a couple of days while I was home for Drill, we fell upon this lovely dress in a small dress shop in Sandy, Utah.  This dress isn't something I normally would have chosen, but I love it.  Hopefully I'll find more occasions to wear it.

For reals, guys, I even got my nails done. That doesn't ever happen.

My date was very sweet and looked quite dashing in his Alphas if I do say so myself.  I was sort of a bad blogger and didn't take too many pictures of the ball its self, but I at least took one of us at dinner.  The lighting in the ball room give us this lovely washed out look...So great. 

And check out the iPhone camera quality.......not. Please pardon the boobage or lack thereof, I suppose I should say.

Dinner was actually quite good, although dessert was thoroughly disappointing. My date liked it, but most of us at the table speculated about what it actually was half of the night. We concluded that it was the fanciest Hostess filling from Twinkies. Possibly made with coconut milk? Not so delicious, my friends...

My date wasn't really a fan of the dance floor, but I didn't let that stop me. By the end of the night I made enough friends that I felt I could head out there and dance anyway. Maybe it wasn't the most polite thing in the world, but my date was working the room and I wasn't going to just sit there bored and underage...unallowed to partake of the fruit of the vine.  Besides, it was so much fun and beyond hilarious watching all these druken and overly-confident Marines bust a move on the dance floor. I'm really glad I didn't have to miss out on that.

Overall, I had a pretty awesome weekend. It was truly an awesome experience. I am always up for new adventures and this definitely was one Now I'm back at school and thinking about all of the things I have expertly procrastinated and feeling super stressed out! Yay for procrastination...no...

So, Imma jam out to this lovely song on repeat for the rest of the evening and pretend that I'm doing homework. I suppose, in theory I'm working on my writing skills by blogging...but that is just me lying to myself so I feel like I'm actually being productive or some shit. I'm not.

Progress Report!

It feels like I haven't blogged in forever! Don't forget about my "50 Followers" DefineBliss giveaway! Today is the last day to enter!

She was at a show this week! Here is what her booth looked like!

Adorable!

Today's post is a bit of a mish-mash of everything. Usually, I throw down the Sunday Social, but I was tied up this weekend so I didn't get around to it.  And also, I wasn't really in the mood to blog. I've promised myself that I will never blog when I don't feel like it.  Blogging shouldn't be a chore, right?

I had drill with my reserve unit this weekend.

This month, we did an APFT. If you follow me on Twitter (@camocolored) you know that I passed!

Push-Ups: 26 ( I did 32, but only 26 of them counted...)

Sit ups: 60. (I could have done more. Next time, I will!)

2 mile run: 17:06 (my goal was 17:00!!)

I was sooo proud of that. I was more worried about the run than anything and I completely surprised myself. I think that I also surprised the soldiers around me. The SPC. That was counting for me sounded completely shocked every time I did a push-up. It sort of pissed me off a little. You should never judge a book by it's cover...But at the same time, I got satisfaction out of being a surprise.

I also looked much better in my hand-me-down uniform.

See that fuzzy patch in the center where my rank insignia is supposed to be? Well, because I passed my APFT, it won't be fuzzy anymore!! Woo!

I also "adjusted" my patrol cap so that it fit me a little bit better.

Yay for safety pins!

 I also got to see one of my old friends from the Marine DEP that is stationed in North Carolina. We had a good time talking politics and hanging out. We agree on like...everything so it was pretty easy to talk about. No warfare with words.

Plus, the other day, I got to Skype with one of my other Marine buddies who's on deployment right now. That was awesome. I don't realize how much I miss him until I get to see his face and it makes my week. It's great, but it is also hard to have all of my best friends so spread out...

So that's about it. I'm still living life, kicking ass and taking names, having a little bit of fun, and working like a dog to be the best that I can possibly be.

Happy Monday, Bloggy World

(if there is such a thing as a happy monday...)

From USMC to US Army?

Oh hey there blog I've been neglecting, want to hear about my day? I'd love to tell you. It was pretty awesome...

Let's review.

October 16, 2011 

I decided to run my bike off a cliff and ended up with this lovely injury. It ended up causing me to get discharged form the Marine Corps Delayed Entry Program and crushed my dreams of becoming a Marine.

Fast forward almost an entire year later...

July 7, 2011

I went to visit J in 29 Palms for the 4th of July. He and I are laying there watching TV and an Army commercial comes on. "Babe, why don't you join the Army...?"

When I got home, I hooked up with the local recruiting station and I slapped this on their desk.

Tuesday, I had a consult for my injury scheduled, but the doctor decided to take a holiday...So Today, I took another early morning trip to the MEPS, peed in a cup (again...) danced around in my underwear (again...) went to the doctor (late because of a broken X-Ray machine), came back to MEPS, slapped my papers on the Doc's desk and cried in front of the entire medical staff when they said, "Welp, you're qualified."

So there I am. Swearing into the US Army

Standing at an impeccable parade-rest. (That's my recruiter on my left)

And being really excited for that day to be over...

 I went out for an icecream with my mommy. 

WI may not have done this whole military thing exactly the way that I planned, (and I'm still a little bit sad that I'm not back in the Marine Corps DEP...) but here I am, enlisted again when I never thought it would be possible again.  Hopefully, this will end up to be the best choice for my life right now and for my future. I am so excited to have a whole new set of adventures and learn how a completely different branch works. I report to my unit next week and I start my road to becoming a Soldier...What the hell right?

On The Bright Side

Holy crap a lot of stuff is going on right now. And all good stuff for the most part! That doesn't happen very often so I'm going to shout it from the roof tops  my blog and enjoy it while it lasts.

First of all, yesterday was the anniversary of the day that J asked me to be his girl friend. I was so excited to talk to him all day and he didn't end up having time to talk to me until the very end of the day. When I finally got to talk to him I nearly exploded with enthusiam...I was pretty excited. I told him happy anniversary and he finally unblocked (he blocked me on Facebook because he thought it'd be so funny or something...uh, not funny...) me from FB as my gift. How thoughtful right? Overall, a good anniversary and I got another gift that I'll be posting about later. I don't have a picture to go with it for now.

Also, I am on the 'Top 20' list at work! That means that I have one of the top 20 test scores in 4 call centers! All you get it a lame candy bar, but it's still really exciting. On top of that, I have the highest score on my team! Hopefully I keep it up. It would be nice to be one of those consistently high-scoring CAs...It's nice to know that you're good at your job and be recognized for it!

Next, I have finally begun to tear my room apart. I'm starting with all of the paper clutter and working my way up. Since I put my sewing machine in my room (probaly a really bad idea...) I haven't gotten much done because I'm just teaching myself how to sew cool stuff. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't already have so much to do.  It might be weird, but crossing stuff off of a To-Do list is one of my favorite feelings. It makes me feel so accomplished!

This next thing might be a little bit shocking... I'm going from the DEP in the United States Marine Corp...

And I'm trying to get into the Army Reserve. What the heck right?!

I'm actually really excited about it. With the Army Reserve, I have a lot of opertunites that I definitely would have had to pass up if I had continued to pursue going active duty Marines. So I'm currently working with a recruiter getting my package built up and I'm submitting all of my medical documents for review at the end of the month...I'm tyring really hard not to get my hopes up becasuse it's not unlikely with this type of injury that I will get denied, but I'm hoping for the best and trying to prepare myself for some disappointment.

If I do get in in these next few weeks though, I will start drilling with my unit, go to Basic Training in a few months, after that AIT and I'll be a freakin Soldier...after that, I can start school and ROTC and work on becoming an officer in the United States Army...What up?

Hopefully, there is even more good stuff to come but we all know what happens when Katie here starts to make plans and get excited about things...So, join me in hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst.

Working...

It feels like I have written anything in a century, so this might be a little bit word vomitty...deal with it :)

So, first of all, I returned form 29 Palms last night around 10:30. It was my first road trip all by myself, I drove about 1200 mile round trip all by my lonesome. Although I had mega anxiety about it, once I was on the road, I really enjoyed the drive alone. I could listen to whatever I wanted, drive the as fast as I felt comfortable with and I didn't have any pressure do drive some certain way. It was kind of liberating and I felt very adult.

The trip itself was quite wonderful. J and I had a great time together and being truly alone for several days for the first time ever was fantastic. We didn't really do much except for swim and enjoy each other's company. I am so glad that I got to go...I didn't take any pictures, but I'm not much of a let's-snap-a-picture-of-this-moment type of person so...oh well.

In other news, I'm back at work today. Part of me is like "Woo, I needed a day of playing on the computer after driving all day yesterday" the rest of me is like "ugh, I have to go to work..."

Lately, though, things have been pretty interesting around here. Working in a call center can be hard, especially for someone like me who had a hard sitting through class in high school and we had to get up every 90 minutes. It doesn't help that I have almost zero human contatct throughout the day. I speak to a computer and not to a person, so I never really have to have any interactions with anyone.

On the bright side, though, there are a lot of interesting characters here. For example, I may have mentioned this girl before, but she kind of looks a little bit like Emmy Rossum and she must have been told that one too many times, becasue she is clearly obsessed with her. Her wallpaper on her computer is Emmy Rossum, and she looks at pictures of her and reads articles about her all day long...What the heck?! She also pulls her pants up into shorts (we're not allowed to wear shorts in the center) once she's in her seat...goodness it's strange, but to each their own I guess.

Also, they've been sending out emails that say stuff like, "Don't put your feet on the desk." or "Please no clipping your fingernails." or "Don't take things that aren't yours" How old are we people? You should not have to be told these things...

The break room can be pretty funny too. If there is one person at each table, people will stand awkwardly against the counter or wall so they don't have to sit with someone else. And if two people are sitting together and chatting, you think to yourself, "How do they know each other? They must have met in training, or maybe they knew each other before..." It's such a mystery because there really aren't other ways to get to know people...

My job really gives me mixed feelings.

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Yeah Yeah, I know two posts in one day...but I'm just feeling bloggy today.  I have a lot to say for some reason.

Although J is doing his mountain warfare training this month and won't be back to his barracks until around June 21st, he got the chance to call me. Twice! His phone doesn't have service, but his friend's does. It was nice to hear from him after two weeks of nothing from him at all.  I loved hearing that he'd been thinking about me even though the whole point of this time apart is to not think about each other...ha...that's a laugh.

So far, this time not talking as been good for us. At least it has been good for me. I'm not worried about why he is or isn't talking to me and I can just enjoy myself and stay busy and do as much stuff as I can to have a good time. I don't know why I haven't been doing this all along. It makes everything so much easier.

I've been hiking, playing music, working in my garden, cleaing my house (ugh...not fun) and staying nice and busy and at the end of the day, I'm excited that I have things to tell J other than, "Today sucked, I miss you. Life sucks. I never do anything..." I can tell that it makes him happier to hear that I'm not so down in the dumps.

***

In other news, I've begun car shopping.

Unfortunately, I won't be able to go to the car lot, get a loan and buy whatever I want, so I've really got to shop.

I would like to have this lovely pearl white Subaru Impreza.

But, yeah, that's not going to happen. I've been shopping a little bit on KSL.com (it's like craig's list except it's just local). I need to find what my dad calls an "out-of-town" car that I can pretty much take anywhere, but then I find myself linger on things that really aren't practical.

Such as jeeps. I can't even describe to you how bad I want a jeep that I can take the top off and drive all over the mountains, but they really just aren't cars that you want to take all over the place, just into the mud.

Even more than a jeep, I'd be so very happy with one of these. No, it's not a Bronco! It's an International Scout...I don't know why I want one so bad, but it really doesn't matter, because they, like Jeeps and the car I currently have are not practical...damn practicaltiy...

Most likely, I will end up getting something like a Honda Civic or a Toyota Corolla, something more in my price range and a bit more suitable for my situation. Currently, I'm driving a GMC Jimmy that guzzles gas faster than I can fill the tank...Anything with better fuel economy will do, even though I dream of bigger and better vehicles.  Hopefully I'll be getting something new very soon and all on my own!

Direction

A year ago today, I was sitting at MEPS anxiously awaiting the moment that I got to stand at attention and swear into the Marines with my right hand in the air.

I had to drink a galon of water to weigh 102 lbs and I was so happy that I had finally gotten to where I wanted to be.

Today, I sit at my desk at 110 lbs (without even trying...gosh life is so backwards.) wishing I was anywhere else but where I am right now.

It's true that I am feeling a whole lot better about myself today than I felt last only last week, but it doesn't keep me from wishing that things were different. On Facebook, I'm friends with all kinds of Marines that I knew in the DEP and otherwise and it can be so frustrating to watch them live my dream...I want it so bad and it just won't ever happen.

It's really difficult to not have goals. Sure, I have fitness goals and a few things that I want to get done, but it's just so hard to not have an ulitimate goal. I'm not sure where I want to go from here. I know I say that all the time, but somehow, I feel like I'm getting down to crunch time. It's like, I need to make a choice now or else I'm going to get stuck. I already feel stuck.

Don't get me wrong, throwing myself into that big garden project helped a lot and I feel about 15X better than I did, but now that I'm finished with it, I feel like I need something else big. I need stuff to do in order to distract myself from my intense lack of direction and I'm hoping in the meantime, I figure something out. 

I can't help thinking about what things would be like if I hadn't broken my arm...If I had gone to boot camp when I was supposed to...where would I be? I know that it's a waste of time to wonder, but I wish things had been different. 

Life is tough...

Right now, J and I are going through what you might call...a rough patch. On Monday, he broke up with me.

I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise.  He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.

Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed.  He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...),  and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.


On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.

I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.

As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!).  I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.


Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...


So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.

Memorial Day

What I Learned At Work Today [Week 4]

Today at work, I sought information on the upcoming holiday. Memorial day is not a day that I have typically given much thought to. It was nice in school to have the three day weekend after long weeks of no breaks but other than that, memorial day didn't mean much to me at all.

Seems how I am getting ready to send the love of my life off to war, I thought maybe I could learn a little bit about it and really think about all of the liberties that we as citizens of the United States have because of the Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, and Sailors that have given their lives.

I don't know anyone that died fighting a war, and I sincerely hope that I never do. But what I do have, are people very close to me that volunteered to put themselves in harms way because they believe in something bigger than them.

So, what I learned today, was that Memorial Day has been one that was celebrated since just after the civil war. It was first referred to as Decoration Day and was a day dedicated to decorating the graves of those who had died in the war.

Memorial Day was made an offical Federal holiday in 1971. The last Monday in May was chosen because the flowers would be in bloom. New York state was the first state observe this holiday.

In the year 1915, Monica Michael wrote this poem in respone to "In Flanders Fiels" that made red poppies the flower that represented this day that we give thanks to those who died for their country. For our country.

We cherish too, the Poppy red

that grows on fiels where valor led,

It seems to signal to the skies

That blood of heroes never dies.

That was completely new to me. I had no idea that red poppies had anything to do with memorial day.

Memorial day has become a day where you don't only decorate the graves of fallen soldiers but any of the people in your life that have passed away. I think this is not a bad thing at all. It is a good thing to remember those that are no longer with you.  Make tomorrow a day about more than your boat or fishing trip or...whatever. It was created for a reason.

What Memorial Day means to me
From this point forward, Memorial Day will be more than a BBQ or a camping trip. It won't be a day off of work or time and a half pay. It will be a day that I take to remember those who died for my right to have a blog and to say whatever the hell I wish to say. It will be a day that I not only appreciate my wonderful fiance for his service to his country but  maybe even feel a little bad about the fact that I get a little upset when he can't call me, or he's too tired to talk on the phone all night, or when I'm being negative and he just doesn't want to deal with it. 
It's a day to remember how I have the priveledge to live so freely in the United States (no matter how much money we owe China I can still say whatever I want). It's like...Thanksgiving, but without the food and a more specific thing to be thankful for... 
What a cool day that very few people participate in.

[Info and photograph were found at purpletrail.com I take no credit for the facts or picture only my own opinions]

Put A Smile On

Recently, I have leanred a little lesson.  I read some article that I saw in this post from a Military Spouse a while back and I have decided that now is the time to take it to heart.

To summarize just a little, the article is by a woman named Jessie Knadler.  She is the wife of a Captian in the Army Reserve holding down the fort while her husband is on deployment and she is talking about all of the challenges that come with being the wife of someone in the Millitary.  She spoke of how it is sometimes necessary to just say "Everything is fine" even when it isn't. And how sometimes, it's just not so easy to keep that up. That is a very brief summary. You can read the whole thing in the link I posted before.

Anyway, at the time that I read this, I didn't think much about it. I liked it, but I didn't feel like it related to me. J isn't deployed, I'm not raising a child on my own, and I don't really know of all the challenges that await me. But recently, I have been having quite a lot of trouble with myself. I haven't been happy with the way things are going for me. It's not because I'm unhappy with my relationship. This separation that we are going through is temorary and things will get better, I'm sure of it. The problem I'm experiencing now is more of one that he can't solve.

I'm upset that I got discharged from the Marines. I'm mad at myself for not having a plan B.  I sit here at my desk all day and blog about my problems and I haven't got a clue what to do to fix them. And unfortunately, this frustration with myself has seeped into everything else and caused me to be...perpetually grumpy.  And I suck at hiding it.
So when I'm on the phone with J, he gets grumpy becasue I'm grumpy and he dones't want to talk to me. And everyone in my family thinks that I'm being ridiculous when really, I'm just not happy and I'm tired of pretending...

That being said, I still need to supportive of J. It's important for me to not add to the stresses in his life. He's concerned about keeping up and making mistakes. He's worried about the upcoming deployment and being able to do his job. I don't need to be bothering him with my bad mood. I need to remember that...It's not worth making it even harder for him to be away from me...  So, I guess I will just put a smile on and do my best to be happy...

What I Learend At Work Today [Week 3]

I learned a lot of things today.

I did some cross stitching and I read some blogs of other people who are in my similar situation. They are married to, or are in realtionships with men in the military. Each one of them seem to have different struggles. Sometimes it's that they are raising a child alone. Sometimes they are surviving a deployment. Other times, they are just dealing with the every day struggles of loving a man in the military.

Well, I think that I learned something from these ladies, is that this is not as good as it gets. I read all their stories of how much fun they have in exciting new places and I see how wonderful  (and have felt how wonderful) it is when you see your man for the first time in so long. I learned that I need to try and see the bright side of my situation. I'm not alone in this and I have a whole lot to look forward to. I need to be more excited about it and less anxious.

I also read something that was...kind of strange. I saw something on Pinterest that was about "Fitspiration" I had never heard that word before Beauty Redefined told me about it. Basically, it's all those picutres you see on FB, Twitter (I don't tweet, but that's what the article was saying...so I guess I believe it.) and Pinterest that have a photograph of a very fit person with something "motivational" next to it such as "No matter how slow you are going, you are still lapping everyone on the couch".  They likend it to "thinspo" (the stuff that promotes eating disorders) and made is sound bad...This article was basically saying that we shouldn't be encouraging these types of Pins, tweets, etc. because they promote negative body image towards oneself. It makes you think that one body type is better than the other or even one type is "correct" when put next to another.

Personally, I like those motivational pictures. I don't really pin a whole lot of them. I have a few but they aren't exactly like the ones that are being described, but I feel like this article only saw one thing in these pictures:  The "perfect" bodies of the women. It's like they ignored the fact that the things that the little quotes say are not negative things most of the time. They are just trying to say, Hey, get up off the couch and do something active. It's good for you. The people that take that as "my body is not acceptable" should take a second look. Becase it's not about having a body that is right or the best, it's about feeling good about the way you look. And If you aren't happy about it, do something about it.

But of course, that is only my opinion...What do you think about "fitspiration"? Is it motivational, or does it make you feel bad about yourself?

I learned something else today, but it's really boring. I heard something on the radio this morning about it being the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812 this year and I realized I couldn't remember what it was about. Well, in case you were wondering, I found out that the war of 1812 began becasue Great Britain didn't want Napolean's France to trade with anyone so they started trying to regulate the trade from other countries including the US. The US having only just gained independence and not wanting to be threatened by the "Mother Country" began to defend themselves. They fought many battles that eventually ended with the Treaty of Ghent (Modern Belgium) that settled their issues and ended the war. Unfortunately, news of the Treaty didn't travel fast and another battle began against Andrew Jacksons' soldiers. They won their battle and it boosted U.S. Morale and was really a good thing for the US. So Cool. 200th anniversary of a pivitol war that no one knows anything about!  To learn more, I got my info from History.com. It's

And that! Is what I learned at work today.

Trampling The Pansies

It's offical, J is now a Fleet Marine. He is no longer "Student Status". 

I am so proud of him. Having followed him through this whole process and aspired to do the same things that he is now doing, I feel like I can...appreciate it. I am also insanely jealous. I can't even describe what I would give to be able to be a Marine. I wouldn't give J up for it. And my family. But that's about it.

You know, when I got discharged, it was a pretty big deal to me. I was sitting in the interview room with my recruiter and he looked and me and said, "I'm sorry but you've been permanently disqualified..."  I tried my very best to put on a my "big-girl" face and not get upset about it. In fact, I almost expected to feel a little relieved.

A little background might be helpful...
After J proposed, we kinda decided we might want to rearrange my plans a little bit and I considered asking to get discharged. I eventually decided not to but I got my date moved from March 5, 2012 to May 21, 2012. That's this coming Monday...So I figured, hey, if I get discharged because of getting hurt, it's no big deal because I thought I wanted to get discharged anyway. Right?

No. after 15 seconds after he told me it had sunken in and I started to cry. I felt like the biggest baby ever and my recruiter got this very scared look on his face. Poor guy...He had to deal with a crying 18 year old girl. No fun.

I texted J and and I asked him to call me when he got the chance. I got lucky and he called me about 2 minutes after I sent that text. My recruiter walked out of the room and I just lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. J was sitting there on the other end waiting for me to tell him that someone died.  Well, I finally caught my breath and I told him what had happened. I'm not really sure how he felt about it when I told him, but I felt like he was happy. I can't blame him. Not having to deal with two military schedules was going to be so much easier for our relationship (Even though right now, I feel like it doesn't get harder than this...unfortunately, I know that it does.) I know that somewhere in there he was happy and felt like it was for the best...And maybe it is, but maybe it isn't...

When I got home and spread the word of what happened, I was a mess. I was crying and worried about my life and I felt (and still feel) so very lost. Everyone basically made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel that way. They (they being my family and J) kept telling me that I'm still young and have my entire life before my eyes and I shouldn't feel like I this. Well, I've got some news for them and for anyone else who has something to say about it.

I don't care how I should feel. And it doesn't matter one bit to me that I could, supposedly, have my pick of careers. I didn't/don't care that I might find something better. I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that my dream was taken from me. And I'm hurting because I've been too far from the love of my life for too long.

You might know better than I do, but I have to figure this out for myself...I need to grieve this great loss and find something better for myself and I don't need other people telling me what I should feel like and what it's supposed to be and what I could do...Those things don't matter all that matters is how it is.


I guess that until I figure that all out I'll just be...trampling the pansies.

Return To 29!

Well, I'm back from the desert again. This time the trip was a little bit different. First of all, I actually got some pictures. I'm going to warn you now, I'm taking this lovely little medication that I do believe is making me gain weight. I've gained ten lbs. in about...a month. And I'm lucky enough to carry it right in my belly, so I look nice and 4 months pregnant. I assure you, I'm not.
So, we jumped in the car around 06:00 and I took the first shift of driving (my first "long distance" drive!) and I drove us all the way to Cedar City. A whopping 3 and 1/2 hours from our house...Then I passed the keys on over to big sis and I let her drive the rest of the 6+ hours to our destination. It wasn't a bad drive, we made sure that we were prepared for it. I made us tuna fish and we brought plenty of good stuff to drink and snack on. Last trip, we just at McDonalds and stuff and felt real sick the whole time.


We pulled reached Las Vegas aroun 1:30 (we made really good time with my sister driving) and don't worry, we got a picture of the big tortoise on the freeway for you!  I suck at taking pictures with my phone.  So when I was tasked with taking this photo in the moving vehicle, I was very nervous, but never fear, I got the job done.
The nice thing about reaching Las Vegas, is it means that you're almost there. Once you hit Primm (The little town with the huge outlet mall and Whiskey Petes off I-15) you jump off the freeway and start into the Mojave Desert. That, my friends, is kinda scary if I'm being completely honest. Luckily though, it's the home stretch!



So we finally arrived and got all cleaned up and ready to go when we received the call that it was time to go pick up the Js (same name remember?). So we started our drive to the base and I got all excited when we finally drove through the gates. Even though I had seen him the weekend before the last it still felt like the first time in a century. Because there isn't much to do in 29 Palms and the pool was closed :( we had to think of other adventures. There was a gate ajar in the back of the parking lot, so we ventured through it and climbed a mountain and spotted rabbits and coyotes. Not a big deal.  The thing about the mountains in this god forsaken place, is they don't really look like mountains...I live in Utah in the Salt Lake Valley which means there's gigantic mountains all around me that are green and covered with snow from November to June so hiking up this mountain made me feel like I was on a different planet. But we got some kinda cutish pictures? See? 4+ months pregnant...not cool.

We also ventured into the town of Joshua Tree and went to a Flea Market (we saw a tortoise!) and a thrift store. And you know how I love thrift stores! The cool thing about this one, was it seemed to be in an old bank.  So there was  a vault in the back with clothes in it. It was kinda awesome...
But that pretty much concludes my trip to see my Marine. We had a wonderful time together and I miss him already.  The worst part? I haven't a clue when I'm going to see him again...

Broken

Today's post is about October 16, 2011, the day all of my dreams were crushed. I explained it a little bit, but I didn't really give you a good idea of what happened. so here it is. All the gorey details (plus pictures!)

 

I went for a bike ride with one of my friends from the DEP. I didn't know that we were going mountian biking and I didn't bring my helmet, but I grew some confidence when I saw a lot of little kids coming up from the trail without helmets and their bikes. So, I hopped on my bike and headed down the trail. I had never mountain biked before, so imediately, it felt like a little too much. I took my feet off the pedals and started to walk myself down this first hill.

Right about now is where things go foggy. I'm not sure when I decided to take my feet off the ground and put them on the pedals, but apparently, I did. All I can really remember from this moment, was seeing a cement landing thing ahead of me and then...nothing. I remember the impact of the fall a little bit, but I don't even know how I fell or what happened. The friend I was riding with was ahead of me and looked back when he heard something strange behind him and found me unconsious in a bush. Apparently, the first thing I said was "Sgt. Oz is going to kill you."  That was our recruiter. That was when the concussion set in. I remember hearing voices and wondering what was going on.

I kept saying "I don't remember things. I don't remember things." and  "What day is it? Why aren't I in boot camp? Has J written me a any letters?"

I have now calculated that I didn't remember the last 3 weeks. J had been gone that long and I had gotten a letter 2 weeks before. Basically, I only remembered that Jake was gone. I think that was the scariest part. Not having a clue where you are or what has happened for the past few weeks is a very confusing thing.

I remember looking down at my arm and seeing it all deformed and telling the people around me not to call an ambulance (I was too worried about how much it would cost. My dad had a heart attack a few weeks before and I remember my mom saying how expensive the ambulance ride was even with insurance.) But of course, they had to call an ambulance.

I got the hospital and my by then my family had been called and they knew what was up. Finally, several hours later (I believe it was dark out and the ride was in the morning) I came to and was coherent. I had a neck brace on and my arm hurt REAL bad. My mom explained it all to me and said that I was going to need surgery.

They put in a metal plate at 9 screws to hold all the crazy fractures together. When I got it taken out, they asked me if I wanted to keep it. Althought it brings back bad memories, I wanted to see what was inside there. I had shattered my radial head, (also known as the olecranon.  Learned that one today in my research!)

and fractured a whole section of my raidus on my left arm.

So they sliced me open and put in all that stuff. The picture with the stitches is actually from when they took out all the metal in my arm in January, but it looks pretty close to the same. Except when I hurt it initially it was much more swollen and bruised. It was black and blue and very very painful. I didn't let anyone take pictures when it happened initially, so I don't have any, but just picture really bad and real ugly and you get it... I also had scrapes and bruises on my forehead and hips and knees and hands. It was a bad situation.

 I went through several months of physical therapy and now I have full range of motion and mostly all my strength back.  Physical therapy was not fun. It hurt a lot. The first day I went, I couldn't make a fist or even touch my fingers to my palm. I was in bad shape and when I was finished with it that day, I went home and cried over how helpless I felt. I did a lot of crying throughout those days. But I felt like I still had hope because they were going to take out all the dreadful metal and I would be able to go and be a Marine. Once I started to make progress, I was feeling really hopeful. I started going to DEP PT and pool functions (Stupid activities that the recruiting office makes you do) and I definitely thought that I was going to get my shot at being a Marine.  It seemed like now that I could extend my arm, the whole world stopped sucking all at once.

Well, some time passed. I surprised J as his graduation and we got engaged on Christmas and things didn't seem so bad. J left and then I got my surgery to take the metal out of my arm. The pictures to the left are of my scar today.  It is fading nicely and I barely notice it except for when I bump it really hard or it gets really itchy. But, the Marines don't care. I got discharged in February (or was it March?)  and now I'm really feeling lost.

I didn't have a back-up plan. I didn't need one. And now, I'm stuck in this dead end job working only 28 hours a week and just begging for something exciting to happen to shake up my week. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, but what is all that time with out a plan or a purpose?

So this is what I've come up with. 

The things I know:

1. I'm getting married to the love of my life...eventually.
2. I don't really like my job but it pays too well to complain.
3. J is getting deployed  next yearish and I'm going to be extremely without him for 7 months.
4. I'm lost.

The things I don't know:

1. Everything else.

29 Stumps

I don't have pictures becasue I suck.

I now understand why they call it 29 Stumps.
After getting off I-15  just after Primm and driving for 2 hours through the desert, we reached 29 Palms. As we began to get closer my sister starts to freak out. She's driving and saying things like, "Katie, you did see pictures of our hotel online, right? I mean this place isn't a crack hotel is it?"  Or there was this one before we were even close to our destination:  "I bet that we're just going to suddenly just go into a new dimension and we'll finally be in this dumb place."

And once we could actually see the "city" she started saying how she is pretty sure that we were in hell. Literally we just crossed dimensions into hell. She was freaking out and saying, "Is there going to be somewhere to eat? What if there's no food?!"
Of course food was her first concern.

Well, we got checked into our room and then headed to base to pick up my boy.  When I saw him, I think I almost fainted. I was so happy. I gave him a big hug and a kiss and I just looked at him for a second completely in love all over again and it was fantastic.

He went to get his stuff and grabbed his friend (The friend was to keep my sister busy while we had time alone ;)) and we headed off base and back to our room.

I wish that I could tell you all about how much fun this trip was, but honestly, there is NOTHING to do in 29 Palms, we swam in the hotel next to ours' pool and hung out in our air conditioned hotel room. We ate some food in the various popular restraunt around the area (Denny's, MickyDs, Mexican restaurant with a name that escapes me, BK), but honestly, I had a great time. When you're apart for so long, you just get used to missing the person you're away from, it's as if you just start to not feel the missing any more because it's a normal feeling. But when I saw him, it all came back at once how much I had missed him.
And lucky me, because my sister actually kinda hit it off withe J's friends (their names are the same actually...it got really confusing!) We're going back!
I get to return to my Marine again next week. And I already got work off and everything! I'm so excited. Even more so this time because I know what to expect and we'll be better prepared for the little amount of time that we get to spend together.

In other news, J told me yesterday that it's looking like their until won't be deploying until after the new year. That makes me very happy. I told him that I like that timeline much better than deploying this year. That means he might be home for Christmas! And we could possibly find time to get married when it's not on pre-depolyment leave : P I do not want to do that. I think it'd be a good idea because it's going to set us up financially for our future becasue until he comes back from deployment I will be living at home and getting his BAH for where I live. But I'll also have my own job and won't have much for living expenses so we can just save all that money and have quite a lot saved when he comes home and it's time for us to think about getting us a place to live and get all settled down, but I don't want to send my brand new husband off to war after being married for a week. Not cool. But, I guess I just need to get used to the reality of our situtation.

On the bright side, if his unit gets disbannded after this deployment, I might NEVER have to live in 29 Stumps!

591 Miles

You see this little map here? Tomorrow morning, I am embarking on this journey!  After all my complaining and being sad about wanting to see J, I get to go and see him!  We are both so excited we can hardly stand it. After four months of waiting and not knowing what even the next week would mean for us, we finally get to stand face to face. I have not been a very good blogger for the past few days due to the fact that I've been so busy trying to get shift trades at work, and that's where I typically do all my blogging. So for that I apologize, but I just thought I would share with you my exciting news. 

When I return, I will provide a long picture-filled post about how much fun we had together. I promise. The only down-side of this whole situation, is the fact that we basically only get to have one full day together. It's definitely not enough time, but certainly one full day together is far better than no days together at all. 

Hopefully we will have a safe trip and a good time!  

Ugh

Last night and today are the first days since J left for MCT that I have cried over missing him. Of course I miss him. And I've cried over many thing, but these past couple of days have been extra difficult.

I've been trying to plan a trip to go see him, but although I'm an adult and I have my own job and my own bills and responsibilities, I'm not "allowed" to go down to see J by myself. Not only that, I drive a 76 Ford Maverick. Not exactly and ideal travelling car. So I have to rely on someone else to take me down to see him because I'm not old enough to rent a car and I haven't ever driven a long distance by myself.

I was hoping to go down with his sister so that we could do some engagement pictures. I haven't known J very long, so we have about a total of...5 maybe 6 pictures together and most of them are too silly or not all that cute. Basically not appropriate to use for wedding invitations or anything like that. But she can't. So now, we won't have any pictures of us together for a guest book, or to decorate at our wedding or for our invitations...And then when I asked his mom if she could go when I was planning, she couldn't either.

And even if they could go, it wouldn't be the same...I just want to spend time with him by myself and it just isn't a possibility. Being young sucks. So bad. I am feeling being away from him more than every becuase I just can't get help to go and see him...I hate it so much.

But it's what I signed up for. Right?

The Trouble With Boys

Right now, I'm in a tough spot.

I really need to try and set a wedding date. Neither of us want to wait until after this year to get married, but for some reason, I can't get J to say a single thing about when he wants to get married. Before, when we didn't even know where he would be stationed, he had all kinds of input, and now, I feel like I'm badgering him if I ask any questions about when he wants to get married. I know that he cares and he wants to talk about it, but it's as if I never catch him at the right time...When he's thinking about it, he doesn't tell me what's going on. It's so frustrating.

The other issue here is not just him, but becasuse I'm marrying the Marine Corps, I have to deal with the possibility that he can't set a date. I want to just try. Maybe send out a save the month even...I just don't want to cut it too close to where our guests are annoyed that they didn't have enough notice. Espeically our out of town guests. And I'm sure that we will have a few of those. It's so troubling.

On top of all this, there's the distance. Being away from him is so hard. I think I said this another time but we have been apart now for around 100 days. And we have been together for less than half of our relationship and it's starting to take a toll on me.  It's not that I don't trust him, becuase I do. I 100% know that he loves me and would never cheat on me. But it's hard to not be able to talk through the rough spots in person...It's makes all those normal fights that coupls have about 10 times harder than they have to be.

I know that this is only the beginning, and it's what I signed up for, but goodenss gracious, why does it have to suck so bad?

Good News

I've got some good news for you today. On Wednesday while sitting at my desk at work, I was cranking out a post about how annoying it is not knowing where J is going to be sationed and be completely in the dark as to if we're going to have to have a quickie-wedding in vegas, or a throw together one in his back yard before he flew off to Japan. Well, I guess I spoke to soon. Right before my lunch, I checked my phone and there was a text from J and a missed call. The text said,
"Hey, babe. Whens your break? we needa talk."

Of course, my heart started beating really fast and I'm so certain that he has bad news. Orders to Okinawa(We had our only controversey since we've been together over the "What if I go to Japan?" deal so that was not going to be extremely welcome news) was the first thing that popped into my head.  So I'm sitting here at my desk relaying this call (I'm a relay operator for the deaf and hard-of-hearing) just begging the person to hang up the phone so I can call J back before he has to get back to class.  I was shaking my leg and tapping my fingers on the desk as this call drags on 4 minutes longer than necessary.

The minute they ended the call I asked for my lunch break and heard back promptly and I flew out of my chair out off the call floor. I dialed the phone so fast it wasn't even funny.  To say I was nervous doesn't even come close to describing how I was feeling.

So J answers on the third or fourth ring or so and says, "What's up?"  And I roll my eyes thinking, uh...I think you know what's up. Just tell me what we need to talk about!!!  But to him I said, "Oh nothin' just walking out for lunch."
Then he throws this one at me. "Guess what?" JUST TELL ME ALREADY.
"What?"
"Just guess." He loves to play the guessing game. I do too, but not this time!
"You got your orders."
silence.
"yes. And guess where I'm going?"  I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GUESSING GAME!
"Where are you going?"
"Babe! Just guess!"
"No! Tell me where you're going!"
At this point, I was FREAKING out. I just wanted to know so bad. I felt like my whole life was riding on these orders.
He kinda giggles (Yeah, he giggles. I think it's cute.) and says, "I'm staying in 29 Palms."


I almost cheered aloud. But before I could celebrate, I had to ask him if he was happy about it. He said that he couldn't be happier. That he's the closest to home that he can possibly get and he can't wait to get married now because now we can just do it whenever we want.


AH! I'm so happy. I'm already hunting for a place for us to live off-base and I just have a feeling that even though it's gonna be in the desert in the middle of nowhere, at least we'll be together.
So ther you have it. Our future is almost unclouded and I think that I can kind of see just how this is going to work out. We can finally set a date for our wedding soon and I can actually start planning...
Good mood kinda week.


Oo, also, I had an interview yesterday for a promotion and I have another today...Hopefully I get one of them!

Hurry Up and...Wait.

One thing that I learned about the Marine Crops from day one is that everything you will ever do with them is a "Hurry-up-and-wait" type of situation.

When I joined my recruiter was so rushed. He wanted to get everything done right away (So that he could reach his quota of new recruits that month of course...but still).  I took all of a couple days to think about what I wanted and then once I decided what I wanted they tell you what all you have to do to actually become a Marine.
1. Graduate High School. 
The Marine Corps currently does not accept recruits with GEDs unless they have complete...some amount of credits (16?) in college. Some people get in after doing this, but it's typical for people to want to do this in high school when they just decided to drop out and then change your mind.

SO. If you join in high school, you HAVE to graduate. Or else you get discharged. Hurry up and get graduated...Unfortunately you can only make that go so fast, right?

2. Take (and pass) the ASVAB
(Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery)
This test is one that all Branches of the military require you take before you are allowed entry. You go to MEPS and they get you all registered and make you sit and wait. And then you take the test (it's 9 sections long!) And you aren't allowed to look at your score. You're recruiter has to open the envelope for you.
I got an 85 :) pretty proud of that.
So they rush you to take this test. Then you just have to pray you did well.

3. Clear Medical.

This picture I picked I feel is perfect. They tell you to get undress (in a timely manner of course) and then they leave the room for sometimes more than a half an hour. So you're sitting there in your underwear with your packet in a freezing cold room with any where from 1 other girl to 10 other girls while you wait to do a bunch of silly stuff mostly naked and get felt up by an old wrinkly man...I <3 the Marine Corps.



4. Pass an IST (initial strength test) and swear in.

This is by far the best part.

Okay, so we would NOT have been allowed to wear that in my recruiting office But I liked that it was a female in the picture. in both pictures actually.

You've got to do at least 44 crunches in 2 minutes and no less than a 12 second flexed arm hang

Then you get to swear in. I won't lie, this was the proudest moment of my life so far (besides watching J graduated from Boot Camp) and it kills me that I didn't get the chance to do it again. And again and again as I reenlisted time and time again...

So I hurried up and waited for this. Allll Dayyy Looong.

It was cool. But Come one. It took so long to get to this point and they were rushing us through ever step.

I'm seeing that happen now with J big time. He hurried off to MCT where he was a lucky one and picked up on time. But then after, he ended up getting stuck at Camp Pendleton doing Guard Duty for weeks. This was because his MOS school was full and they didn't have room for him in 29 Palms.
And once he got there, he spent two weeks not in class because again, he hadn't picked up yet. Again, he got lucky and he ended up in a class that picked up while people who had been there even longer are still waiting.
It's just so frustrating that they are so quick to rush our men away from us only to make the sit around around waste space that could be used for other Marines...

And now, as he is in his field radio operating school, I am anxiously awaiting the day that I get to see him again. And we're PRAYING his orders don't say Okinawa...

I guess I better get used to this hurryin' up and waiting.






By the way, I don't claim ownership of the above pictures. Just borrowed them off of google. so...yeah. not mine.