Direction

A year ago today, I was sitting at MEPS anxiously awaiting the moment that I got to stand at attention and swear into the Marines with my right hand in the air.

I had to drink a galon of water to weigh 102 lbs and I was so happy that I had finally gotten to where I wanted to be.

Today, I sit at my desk at 110 lbs (without even trying...gosh life is so backwards.) wishing I was anywhere else but where I am right now.

It's true that I am feeling a whole lot better about myself today than I felt last only last week, but it doesn't keep me from wishing that things were different. On Facebook, I'm friends with all kinds of Marines that I knew in the DEP and otherwise and it can be so frustrating to watch them live my dream...I want it so bad and it just won't ever happen.

It's really difficult to not have goals. Sure, I have fitness goals and a few things that I want to get done, but it's just so hard to not have an ulitimate goal. I'm not sure where I want to go from here. I know I say that all the time, but somehow, I feel like I'm getting down to crunch time. It's like, I need to make a choice now or else I'm going to get stuck. I already feel stuck.

Don't get me wrong, throwing myself into that big garden project helped a lot and I feel about 15X better than I did, but now that I'm finished with it, I feel like I need something else big. I need stuff to do in order to distract myself from my intense lack of direction and I'm hoping in the meantime, I figure something out. 

I can't help thinking about what things would be like if I hadn't broken my arm...If I had gone to boot camp when I was supposed to...where would I be? I know that it's a waste of time to wonder, but I wish things had been different.