A year ago today, I was sitting at MEPS anxiously awaiting the moment that I got to stand at attention and swear into the Marines with my right hand in the air.
I had to drink a galon of water to weigh 102 lbs and I was so happy that I had finally gotten to where I wanted to be.
Today, I sit at my desk at 110 lbs (without even trying...gosh life is so backwards.) wishing I was anywhere else but where I am right now.
It's true that I am feeling a whole lot better about myself today than I felt last only last week, but it doesn't keep me from wishing that things were different. On Facebook, I'm friends with all kinds of Marines that I knew in the DEP and otherwise and it can be so frustrating to watch them live my dream...I want it so bad and it just won't ever happen.
It's really difficult to not have goals. Sure, I have fitness goals and a few things that I want to get done, but it's just so hard to not have an ulitimate goal. I'm not sure where I want to go from here. I know I say that all the time, but somehow, I feel like I'm getting down to crunch time. It's like, I need to make a choice now or else I'm going to get stuck. I already feel stuck.
Don't get me wrong, throwing myself into that big garden project helped a lot and I feel about 15X better than I did, but now that I'm finished with it, I feel like I need something else big. I need stuff to do in order to distract myself from my intense lack of direction and I'm hoping in the meantime, I figure something out.
I can't help thinking about what things would be like if I hadn't broken my arm...If I had gone to boot camp when I was supposed to...where would I be? I know that it's a waste of time to wonder, but I wish things had been different.
Showing posts with label distance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label distance. Show all posts
Life is tough...
Right now, J and I are going through what you might call...a rough patch. On Monday, he broke up with me.
I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise. He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.
Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed. He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...), and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.
On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.
I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.
As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset. He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!). I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.
Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...
So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.
I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise. He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.
Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed. He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...), and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.
On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.
I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.
As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset. He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!). I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.
Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...
So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.
Put A Smile On
Recently, I have leanred a little lesson. I read some article that I saw in this post from a Military Spouse a while back and I have decided that now is the time to take it to heart.
To summarize just a little, the article is by a woman named Jessie Knadler. She is the wife of a Captian in the Army Reserve holding down the fort while her husband is on deployment and she is talking about all of the challenges that come with being the wife of someone in the Millitary. She spoke of how it is sometimes necessary to just say "Everything is fine" even when it isn't. And how sometimes, it's just not so easy to keep that up. That is a very brief summary. You can read the whole thing in the link I posted before.
Anyway, at the time that I read this, I didn't think much about it. I liked it, but I didn't feel like it related to me. J isn't deployed, I'm not raising a child on my own, and I don't really know of all the challenges that await me. But recently, I have been having quite a lot of trouble with myself. I haven't been happy with the way things are going for me. It's not because I'm unhappy with my relationship. This separation that we are going through is temorary and things will get better, I'm sure of it. The problem I'm experiencing now is more of one that he can't solve.
I'm upset that I got discharged from the Marines. I'm mad at myself for not having a plan B. I sit here at my desk all day and blog about my problems and I haven't got a clue what to do to fix them. And unfortunately, this frustration with myself has seeped into everything else and caused me to be...perpetually grumpy. And I suck at hiding it.
So when I'm on the phone with J, he gets grumpy becasue I'm grumpy and he dones't want to talk to me. And everyone in my family thinks that I'm being ridiculous when really, I'm just not happy and I'm tired of pretending...
That being said, I still need to supportive of J. It's important for me to not add to the stresses in his life. He's concerned about keeping up and making mistakes. He's worried about the upcoming deployment and being able to do his job. I don't need to be bothering him with my bad mood. I need to remember that...It's not worth making it even harder for him to be away from me... So, I guess I will just put a smile on and do my best to be happy...
To summarize just a little, the article is by a woman named Jessie Knadler. She is the wife of a Captian in the Army Reserve holding down the fort while her husband is on deployment and she is talking about all of the challenges that come with being the wife of someone in the Millitary. She spoke of how it is sometimes necessary to just say "Everything is fine" even when it isn't. And how sometimes, it's just not so easy to keep that up. That is a very brief summary. You can read the whole thing in the link I posted before.
Anyway, at the time that I read this, I didn't think much about it. I liked it, but I didn't feel like it related to me. J isn't deployed, I'm not raising a child on my own, and I don't really know of all the challenges that await me. But recently, I have been having quite a lot of trouble with myself. I haven't been happy with the way things are going for me. It's not because I'm unhappy with my relationship. This separation that we are going through is temorary and things will get better, I'm sure of it. The problem I'm experiencing now is more of one that he can't solve.
I'm upset that I got discharged from the Marines. I'm mad at myself for not having a plan B. I sit here at my desk all day and blog about my problems and I haven't got a clue what to do to fix them. And unfortunately, this frustration with myself has seeped into everything else and caused me to be...perpetually grumpy. And I suck at hiding it.
So when I'm on the phone with J, he gets grumpy becasue I'm grumpy and he dones't want to talk to me. And everyone in my family thinks that I'm being ridiculous when really, I'm just not happy and I'm tired of pretending...
That being said, I still need to supportive of J. It's important for me to not add to the stresses in his life. He's concerned about keeping up and making mistakes. He's worried about the upcoming deployment and being able to do his job. I don't need to be bothering him with my bad mood. I need to remember that...It's not worth making it even harder for him to be away from me... So, I guess I will just put a smile on and do my best to be happy...
