On The Bright Side

Holy crap a lot of stuff is going on right now. And all good stuff for the most part! That doesn't happen very often so I'm going to shout it from the roof tops  my blog and enjoy it while it lasts.

First of all, yesterday was the anniversary of the day that J asked me to be his girl friend. I was so excited to talk to him all day and he didn't end up having time to talk to me until the very end of the day. When I finally got to talk to him I nearly exploded with enthusiam...I was pretty excited. I told him happy anniversary and he finally unblocked (he blocked me on Facebook because he thought it'd be so funny or something...uh, not funny...) me from FB as my gift. How thoughtful right? Overall, a good anniversary and I got another gift that I'll be posting about later. I don't have a picture to go with it for now.

Also, I am on the 'Top 20' list at work! That means that I have one of the top 20 test scores in 4 call centers! All you get it a lame candy bar, but it's still really exciting. On top of that, I have the highest score on my team! Hopefully I keep it up. It would be nice to be one of those consistently high-scoring CAs...It's nice to know that you're good at your job and be recognized for it!

Next, I have finally begun to tear my room apart. I'm starting with all of the paper clutter and working my way up. Since I put my sewing machine in my room (probaly a really bad idea...) I haven't gotten much done because I'm just teaching myself how to sew cool stuff. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't already have so much to do.  It might be weird, but crossing stuff off of a To-Do list is one of my favorite feelings. It makes me feel so accomplished!

This next thing might be a little bit shocking... I'm going from the DEP in the United States Marine Corp...

And I'm trying to get into the Army Reserve. What the heck right?!

I'm actually really excited about it. With the Army Reserve, I have a lot of opertunites that I definitely would have had to pass up if I had continued to pursue going active duty Marines. So I'm currently working with a recruiter getting my package built up and I'm submitting all of my medical documents for review at the end of the month...I'm tyring really hard not to get my hopes up becasuse it's not unlikely with this type of injury that I will get denied, but I'm hoping for the best and trying to prepare myself for some disappointment.

If I do get in in these next few weeks though, I will start drilling with my unit, go to Basic Training in a few months, after that AIT and I'll be a freakin Soldier...after that, I can start school and ROTC and work on becoming an officer in the United States Army...What up?

Hopefully, there is even more good stuff to come but we all know what happens when Katie here starts to make plans and get excited about things...So, join me in hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst.

Direction

A year ago today, I was sitting at MEPS anxiously awaiting the moment that I got to stand at attention and swear into the Marines with my right hand in the air.

I had to drink a galon of water to weigh 102 lbs and I was so happy that I had finally gotten to where I wanted to be.

Today, I sit at my desk at 110 lbs (without even trying...gosh life is so backwards.) wishing I was anywhere else but where I am right now.

It's true that I am feeling a whole lot better about myself today than I felt last only last week, but it doesn't keep me from wishing that things were different. On Facebook, I'm friends with all kinds of Marines that I knew in the DEP and otherwise and it can be so frustrating to watch them live my dream...I want it so bad and it just won't ever happen.

It's really difficult to not have goals. Sure, I have fitness goals and a few things that I want to get done, but it's just so hard to not have an ulitimate goal. I'm not sure where I want to go from here. I know I say that all the time, but somehow, I feel like I'm getting down to crunch time. It's like, I need to make a choice now or else I'm going to get stuck. I already feel stuck.

Don't get me wrong, throwing myself into that big garden project helped a lot and I feel about 15X better than I did, but now that I'm finished with it, I feel like I need something else big. I need stuff to do in order to distract myself from my intense lack of direction and I'm hoping in the meantime, I figure something out. 

I can't help thinking about what things would be like if I hadn't broken my arm...If I had gone to boot camp when I was supposed to...where would I be? I know that it's a waste of time to wonder, but I wish things had been different. 

Life is tough...

Right now, J and I are going through what you might call...a rough patch. On Monday, he broke up with me.

I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise.  He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.

Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed.  He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...),  and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.


On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.

I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.

As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!).  I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.


Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...


So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.

Because I feel like complaining

I am really learning to hate the fleet.
In the two weeks that J has been a fleet Marine we've talked on the phone for about 40 minutes one night (friday...so he had the rest of the night off of course) and that is just about it. a few minutes here and there and a couple of texts.
I don't know if he's just so busy and tired that he can't take a minute to talk to me, or if he just doesn't feel like making a minute to talk to me. Which would be unlike him...but it seems like he doesn't want to talk when we're talking. And for him, it probably doesn't seem that way, because he's busy doing crap all day long, but I'm not. I notice. It doesn't feel good and I don't know how to talk to him about it...

I'm not the kind of girl that must have a goodnight phone call every night and I don't need a play-by-play every day. It's just not necessary for me to know his every move all the time. But I miss him. And when I have a crappy day (aka: every day...) I just want to hear his voice. I don't think he understands what it means to me to have him call me...but when he doesn't it's like it just makes my day that much worse. I just feel shrugged off for more important things...which I guess I should probably get used to...

The other thing that is frustrating, is my sister is now in a relationship (facebook official and everything) with the friend that J introduced her to and she talks about how they talk all day long and how he's so excited to skype her and blah blah blah and just makes it seem so much worse that I'm not talking to J...

I love him more than anything in the world, I just don't know how to deal with this without sounding like I'm selfish...What he's doing is important. I don't want to distract him from his work. It's important to him to make sure he knows what he's doing and that he holds his own against the infantry Marines in hikes and all that other stuff. I don't want to sound like I'm being a big baby and have him get all frustrated with me because he doesn't know how to make time for me. Or maybe he just doesn't want to make time.

I don't know. I'm done complaining...guess it doesn't matter...It's my blog and I can complain if I want...not like anyone reads this anyway.

Bumps In The Road

It seems that lately, I've been hitting a whole bunch of bumps in the road, but my attitude has changed a lot. Instead of looking at the bumps and thinking about how crappy it's going to be to have to drive over, picturing the jostled papers, the tiped over bag and the drink I'm going to have to hold as I go over every bump I've been thinking about how to just avoid them altogether. Take a detour, if you will. Can you tell I like metaphors?

Bump #1:
I've been gaining weight like crazy!
It's truly crazy. I have always been a very naturally thin person. I had to gain weight to get into the Marines for hell's sake...And now, I look in the mirror and for the first time in my lifek, I am so unhappy with what I see. I think it's partly from being away from J. Food is a very comforting thing and with him gone, I want some comfort. I've never been much of an eater, but recently, food is one of the things that I think about most.
The fix?  I've decided that I'm not going to eat less, I'm going to eat different. I love to eat a lot of healthy things, it's just a matter of doing it. And not eating out so much...I eat out way too much. This month, I get to do the family grocery shopping and I'm planning on getting a wonderful variety of things that will be a welcome change for me and for my family. I think it will be a double whammy too. It will give me some experience in shopping (you know how I like to learn about saving money!) So that should be nice. I'm also going to have to start working out a whole lot more...I have been very lazy lately. I did a run and some PT yesterday and now I am dying here in my desk...time to work out!

Bump #2:
My 5 year engagement.
Okay, so maybe it's not...and it won't be...hopefully. But It feels like it. I've been looking at some places to get married and was getting so frustrating because no one was willing to work with the fact that I could possibly have to make changes and move dates if things ended up not working out because of permissions and leave etc. They were simply just...unreasonable. It was getting very discouraging. On top of that J is getting...jittery about the upcoming deployment. Which is completely understandable, but it makes me not want to talk to him about anything dealing with our wedding because it stresses him out. And we don't need him stressed...
The fix?
Yesterday, we went to a reception center called The Woods on Ninth and it is just absolutely beautiful. When I walked in, I felt like I had found the place but was instantly a little sick because I knew it wouldn't work out. It would be too difficult without a date and all these litlte complications.
Well, I was totally wrong. The manager lady got all excited and made me feel so much better and told me that we could figure something out and make something work. That it wouldn't be a problem if I had to change things around and that she would do her best to make everything completely refundable. I'm in love...I feel so much more relaxed about it all knowing that I won't have to worry anymore. Hopefully.

Bump #3:
What the crap am I going to do with my life?!
I don't know...
The fix?
I still don't know....

Trampling The Pansies

It's offical, J is now a Fleet Marine. He is no longer "Student Status". 

I am so proud of him. Having followed him through this whole process and aspired to do the same things that he is now doing, I feel like I can...appreciate it. I am also insanely jealous. I can't even describe what I would give to be able to be a Marine. I wouldn't give J up for it. And my family. But that's about it.

You know, when I got discharged, it was a pretty big deal to me. I was sitting in the interview room with my recruiter and he looked and me and said, "I'm sorry but you've been permanently disqualified..."  I tried my very best to put on a my "big-girl" face and not get upset about it. In fact, I almost expected to feel a little relieved.

A little background might be helpful...
After J proposed, we kinda decided we might want to rearrange my plans a little bit and I considered asking to get discharged. I eventually decided not to but I got my date moved from March 5, 2012 to May 21, 2012. That's this coming Monday...So I figured, hey, if I get discharged because of getting hurt, it's no big deal because I thought I wanted to get discharged anyway. Right?

No. after 15 seconds after he told me it had sunken in and I started to cry. I felt like the biggest baby ever and my recruiter got this very scared look on his face. Poor guy...He had to deal with a crying 18 year old girl. No fun.

I texted J and and I asked him to call me when he got the chance. I got lucky and he called me about 2 minutes after I sent that text. My recruiter walked out of the room and I just lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. J was sitting there on the other end waiting for me to tell him that someone died.  Well, I finally caught my breath and I told him what had happened. I'm not really sure how he felt about it when I told him, but I felt like he was happy. I can't blame him. Not having to deal with two military schedules was going to be so much easier for our relationship (Even though right now, I feel like it doesn't get harder than this...unfortunately, I know that it does.) I know that somewhere in there he was happy and felt like it was for the best...And maybe it is, but maybe it isn't...

When I got home and spread the word of what happened, I was a mess. I was crying and worried about my life and I felt (and still feel) so very lost. Everyone basically made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel that way. They (they being my family and J) kept telling me that I'm still young and have my entire life before my eyes and I shouldn't feel like I this. Well, I've got some news for them and for anyone else who has something to say about it.

I don't care how I should feel. And it doesn't matter one bit to me that I could, supposedly, have my pick of careers. I didn't/don't care that I might find something better. I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that my dream was taken from me. And I'm hurting because I've been too far from the love of my life for too long.

You might know better than I do, but I have to figure this out for myself...I need to grieve this great loss and find something better for myself and I don't need other people telling me what I should feel like and what it's supposed to be and what I could do...Those things don't matter all that matters is how it is.


I guess that until I figure that all out I'll just be...trampling the pansies.