One Day You'll Wake up...

It's amazing how much things change.

 A year ago, Wednesday, last September 19th, I was laying in my bed, crying my eyes out because I wouldn't get to see the love of my life until who knew when...At that point, I had already written him a letter and was ready to send it off. I was missing him before he had even left the state.

I was looking forward to my chance to go to boot camp. I was excited for everything that was going to come and I could not have been happier

Now, here I am a full year later and I'm more miserable than ever. I'm working in a place where there's plenty of room for advancement.  I look better than ever, I'm running faster than ever, and I'm stronger that I would have ever thought was possible. I am back in the military against all odds, and I have a very bright future ahead.

Why on earth can't I just be grateful for it?!  There are so many good things in my life right now. What is it that makes me think that one person being in it or not makes it or breaks it...? It shouldn't. And, really, it doesn't.  But I'll tell you, today, I feel like this:

A Bear of Small Brain

I now deem every Thursday  "thoughtful thursday" You can count on a reflective post like this one each thursday. Let me know If you'd like to join me in reflection!

I have an obsession with Winnie The Pooh.

I haven't always had this obsession but over the past few months, I have really learned to love the words of A.A. Milne.  Everything he has to say is so clever and sweet. Right now, it's hard to handle because most of the stuff makes me thing of J...But that's not really the point of today's post.

Winnie The Pooh is the point.

Pooh Bear is not smart.

In fact, the only thing Pooh really thinks about is honey and his best friends. 

When he thinks of other things he gets confused.

Christopher Robin says things to him like "Silly ol' bear..." Because that what he is.

You're probably very confused and you're like, why is she talking about a children's book...?

Pooh Bear, or I guess A.A. Milne, has so many wise things to say about life. I think as a little kid I didn't get why it was so funny or clever, or relatable. I was just seeing a cute little bear who loves honey and always gets into some type of mischief.

But now that I have learned a little bit more about life I see the things he says a little bit differently.  For a while now, I've been comparing my relationship to those in the stories.
My favorite thing about the adventures of Pooh Bear is the constantly present theme of friendship and love for another person (or piggy, rabbit, kangaroo, owl, or a Tigger).
And I've decided that until I find someone (else) that is the Piglet to Pooh Bear I will just have to keep looking.  I want a friendship as strong and everlasting as theirs.  I sure hope that there is someone (else) out there that makes me feel that way

Do you have a favorite childhood story?  Do you ever look back on it and take the lessons that it taught you and apply them to your life? Maybe you should give it a try. It was worth it for me. 

Here are some of my favorite lines:

“If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you.”

“If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

“I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.”

“"I don't see much sense in that," said Rabbit.
"No," said Pooh humbly, "there isn't. But there was going to be when I began it. It's just that something happened to it along the way."”

“I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me.”

You can find more A.A. Milne Winnie the Pooh quotes here

Endurance

I just wrote a very long post about how frustrated I am with my life and that I'm annoyed with the way that things are going for me and that I wish I had more control over the things that happen. And it was actually pretty tastefully written and not so bad, but I did this thing where I high-lighted the enitre things and clicked delete.

If there is anything that I learned from my grandma, it's that life is too short. We can't waste our time and energy on being angry and upset. And the only thing that we can do when life gets tough is...endure.

So this is me, enduring.

Happy Sunday everyone. I wish mine was better than it is.

Life is tough...

Right now, J and I are going through what you might call...a rough patch. On Monday, he broke up with me.

I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise.  He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.

Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed.  He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...),  and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.


On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.

I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.

As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!).  I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.


Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...


So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.

Bumps In The Road

It seems that lately, I've been hitting a whole bunch of bumps in the road, but my attitude has changed a lot. Instead of looking at the bumps and thinking about how crappy it's going to be to have to drive over, picturing the jostled papers, the tiped over bag and the drink I'm going to have to hold as I go over every bump I've been thinking about how to just avoid them altogether. Take a detour, if you will. Can you tell I like metaphors?

Bump #1:
I've been gaining weight like crazy!
It's truly crazy. I have always been a very naturally thin person. I had to gain weight to get into the Marines for hell's sake...And now, I look in the mirror and for the first time in my lifek, I am so unhappy with what I see. I think it's partly from being away from J. Food is a very comforting thing and with him gone, I want some comfort. I've never been much of an eater, but recently, food is one of the things that I think about most.
The fix?  I've decided that I'm not going to eat less, I'm going to eat different. I love to eat a lot of healthy things, it's just a matter of doing it. And not eating out so much...I eat out way too much. This month, I get to do the family grocery shopping and I'm planning on getting a wonderful variety of things that will be a welcome change for me and for my family. I think it will be a double whammy too. It will give me some experience in shopping (you know how I like to learn about saving money!) So that should be nice. I'm also going to have to start working out a whole lot more...I have been very lazy lately. I did a run and some PT yesterday and now I am dying here in my desk...time to work out!

Bump #2:
My 5 year engagement.
Okay, so maybe it's not...and it won't be...hopefully. But It feels like it. I've been looking at some places to get married and was getting so frustrating because no one was willing to work with the fact that I could possibly have to make changes and move dates if things ended up not working out because of permissions and leave etc. They were simply just...unreasonable. It was getting very discouraging. On top of that J is getting...jittery about the upcoming deployment. Which is completely understandable, but it makes me not want to talk to him about anything dealing with our wedding because it stresses him out. And we don't need him stressed...
The fix?
Yesterday, we went to a reception center called The Woods on Ninth and it is just absolutely beautiful. When I walked in, I felt like I had found the place but was instantly a little sick because I knew it wouldn't work out. It would be too difficult without a date and all these litlte complications.
Well, I was totally wrong. The manager lady got all excited and made me feel so much better and told me that we could figure something out and make something work. That it wouldn't be a problem if I had to change things around and that she would do her best to make everything completely refundable. I'm in love...I feel so much more relaxed about it all knowing that I won't have to worry anymore. Hopefully.

Bump #3:
What the crap am I going to do with my life?!
I don't know...
The fix?
I still don't know....

Trampling The Pansies

It's offical, J is now a Fleet Marine. He is no longer "Student Status". 

I am so proud of him. Having followed him through this whole process and aspired to do the same things that he is now doing, I feel like I can...appreciate it. I am also insanely jealous. I can't even describe what I would give to be able to be a Marine. I wouldn't give J up for it. And my family. But that's about it.

You know, when I got discharged, it was a pretty big deal to me. I was sitting in the interview room with my recruiter and he looked and me and said, "I'm sorry but you've been permanently disqualified..."  I tried my very best to put on a my "big-girl" face and not get upset about it. In fact, I almost expected to feel a little relieved.

A little background might be helpful...
After J proposed, we kinda decided we might want to rearrange my plans a little bit and I considered asking to get discharged. I eventually decided not to but I got my date moved from March 5, 2012 to May 21, 2012. That's this coming Monday...So I figured, hey, if I get discharged because of getting hurt, it's no big deal because I thought I wanted to get discharged anyway. Right?

No. after 15 seconds after he told me it had sunken in and I started to cry. I felt like the biggest baby ever and my recruiter got this very scared look on his face. Poor guy...He had to deal with a crying 18 year old girl. No fun.

I texted J and and I asked him to call me when he got the chance. I got lucky and he called me about 2 minutes after I sent that text. My recruiter walked out of the room and I just lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. J was sitting there on the other end waiting for me to tell him that someone died.  Well, I finally caught my breath and I told him what had happened. I'm not really sure how he felt about it when I told him, but I felt like he was happy. I can't blame him. Not having to deal with two military schedules was going to be so much easier for our relationship (Even though right now, I feel like it doesn't get harder than this...unfortunately, I know that it does.) I know that somewhere in there he was happy and felt like it was for the best...And maybe it is, but maybe it isn't...

When I got home and spread the word of what happened, I was a mess. I was crying and worried about my life and I felt (and still feel) so very lost. Everyone basically made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel that way. They (they being my family and J) kept telling me that I'm still young and have my entire life before my eyes and I shouldn't feel like I this. Well, I've got some news for them and for anyone else who has something to say about it.

I don't care how I should feel. And it doesn't matter one bit to me that I could, supposedly, have my pick of careers. I didn't/don't care that I might find something better. I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that my dream was taken from me. And I'm hurting because I've been too far from the love of my life for too long.

You might know better than I do, but I have to figure this out for myself...I need to grieve this great loss and find something better for myself and I don't need other people telling me what I should feel like and what it's supposed to be and what I could do...Those things don't matter all that matters is how it is.


I guess that until I figure that all out I'll just be...trampling the pansies.

Broken

Today's post is about October 16, 2011, the day all of my dreams were crushed. I explained it a little bit, but I didn't really give you a good idea of what happened. so here it is. All the gorey details (plus pictures!)

 

I went for a bike ride with one of my friends from the DEP. I didn't know that we were going mountian biking and I didn't bring my helmet, but I grew some confidence when I saw a lot of little kids coming up from the trail without helmets and their bikes. So, I hopped on my bike and headed down the trail. I had never mountain biked before, so imediately, it felt like a little too much. I took my feet off the pedals and started to walk myself down this first hill.

Right about now is where things go foggy. I'm not sure when I decided to take my feet off the ground and put them on the pedals, but apparently, I did. All I can really remember from this moment, was seeing a cement landing thing ahead of me and then...nothing. I remember the impact of the fall a little bit, but I don't even know how I fell or what happened. The friend I was riding with was ahead of me and looked back when he heard something strange behind him and found me unconsious in a bush. Apparently, the first thing I said was "Sgt. Oz is going to kill you."  That was our recruiter. That was when the concussion set in. I remember hearing voices and wondering what was going on.

I kept saying "I don't remember things. I don't remember things." and  "What day is it? Why aren't I in boot camp? Has J written me a any letters?"

I have now calculated that I didn't remember the last 3 weeks. J had been gone that long and I had gotten a letter 2 weeks before. Basically, I only remembered that Jake was gone. I think that was the scariest part. Not having a clue where you are or what has happened for the past few weeks is a very confusing thing.

I remember looking down at my arm and seeing it all deformed and telling the people around me not to call an ambulance (I was too worried about how much it would cost. My dad had a heart attack a few weeks before and I remember my mom saying how expensive the ambulance ride was even with insurance.) But of course, they had to call an ambulance.

I got the hospital and my by then my family had been called and they knew what was up. Finally, several hours later (I believe it was dark out and the ride was in the morning) I came to and was coherent. I had a neck brace on and my arm hurt REAL bad. My mom explained it all to me and said that I was going to need surgery.

They put in a metal plate at 9 screws to hold all the crazy fractures together. When I got it taken out, they asked me if I wanted to keep it. Althought it brings back bad memories, I wanted to see what was inside there. I had shattered my radial head, (also known as the olecranon.  Learned that one today in my research!)

and fractured a whole section of my raidus on my left arm.

So they sliced me open and put in all that stuff. The picture with the stitches is actually from when they took out all the metal in my arm in January, but it looks pretty close to the same. Except when I hurt it initially it was much more swollen and bruised. It was black and blue and very very painful. I didn't let anyone take pictures when it happened initially, so I don't have any, but just picture really bad and real ugly and you get it... I also had scrapes and bruises on my forehead and hips and knees and hands. It was a bad situation.

 I went through several months of physical therapy and now I have full range of motion and mostly all my strength back.  Physical therapy was not fun. It hurt a lot. The first day I went, I couldn't make a fist or even touch my fingers to my palm. I was in bad shape and when I was finished with it that day, I went home and cried over how helpless I felt. I did a lot of crying throughout those days. But I felt like I still had hope because they were going to take out all the dreadful metal and I would be able to go and be a Marine. Once I started to make progress, I was feeling really hopeful. I started going to DEP PT and pool functions (Stupid activities that the recruiting office makes you do) and I definitely thought that I was going to get my shot at being a Marine.  It seemed like now that I could extend my arm, the whole world stopped sucking all at once.

Well, some time passed. I surprised J as his graduation and we got engaged on Christmas and things didn't seem so bad. J left and then I got my surgery to take the metal out of my arm. The pictures to the left are of my scar today.  It is fading nicely and I barely notice it except for when I bump it really hard or it gets really itchy. But, the Marines don't care. I got discharged in February (or was it March?)  and now I'm really feeling lost.

I didn't have a back-up plan. I didn't need one. And now, I'm stuck in this dead end job working only 28 hours a week and just begging for something exciting to happen to shake up my week. I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me, but what is all that time with out a plan or a purpose?

So this is what I've come up with. 

The things I know:

1. I'm getting married to the love of my life...eventually.
2. I don't really like my job but it pays too well to complain.
3. J is getting deployed  next yearish and I'm going to be extremely without him for 7 months.
4. I'm lost.

The things I don't know:

1. Everything else.