Nowhere to go but forward...

Alright, I decided that before I start moving things into place, I'd give you a sneak-peak of my bedroom.

Like I said, in high school I thought that these two colors would be totally awesome...Well I've not only grown out of that but I also have an extremem need for change right now. This room has been a place where I have shared a lot of things with a lot of people (not just J) and I really want this room to be different. I want it to be a place where I can escape and not think about the people that I've shared this room with.

What do you think?

A couple of days ago, I bought a white shelf thing and some drawers to go inside it ( I also bought a bunch of new gym clothes and I spent way too much money...#retailtherapy...haha)

I'm planning to get rid of that dresser in the top picture, my computer/computer desk, and my TV. I am considering also getting rid of that book shelf in the talk picture as well, but I haven't quite decided yet.

I hope that this brand-new room will help me feel...clensed. I've been so frustrated with everything in my life for the longest time. Even when I was ridiculously happy with J and I could hardly want another thing in the world, I felt lost. I felt like I had no direction and no real plans for me. Yeah, at that point, I was planning a life with J. I was really excited about that, but it was hard to be okay with just being a wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn't see that being the life for me.

Currently, I'm at a turning point (I'm not happy about how I got to this point, but as much as I hate to admit it, it must be for the best...) that basically decides how things go for me for the rest of my life. Yes, it's true, you can change your direction at 25, 30, 50...whatever, but I'm seeing this "transition period" of my life as a very crucial point in my life. 

I talked to J's sister last night. We'll call her T. T said something to me that was very insightful. She said "What other choice do you have than to pick up and forget about it?"

And she's right...I won't just be able to forget the way that I have been treated, and I won't forget this hurt that I am feeling right now, but I don't have any other choice but to pick up and move on with my life.  I'm not going to feel better over night, but I have to take some baby steps...And my room, that is the first step.

I've got nowhere to go but forward... 

P.S-- I check into my unit and get my military ID on Tuesday...I'm getting my drill schedule and I'm gonna get to work...Wish me luck!

Memorial Day

What I Learned At Work Today [Week 4]

Today at work, I sought information on the upcoming holiday. Memorial day is not a day that I have typically given much thought to. It was nice in school to have the three day weekend after long weeks of no breaks but other than that, memorial day didn't mean much to me at all.

Seems how I am getting ready to send the love of my life off to war, I thought maybe I could learn a little bit about it and really think about all of the liberties that we as citizens of the United States have because of the Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, and Sailors that have given their lives.

I don't know anyone that died fighting a war, and I sincerely hope that I never do. But what I do have, are people very close to me that volunteered to put themselves in harms way because they believe in something bigger than them.

So, what I learned today, was that Memorial Day has been one that was celebrated since just after the civil war. It was first referred to as Decoration Day and was a day dedicated to decorating the graves of those who had died in the war.

Memorial Day was made an offical Federal holiday in 1971. The last Monday in May was chosen because the flowers would be in bloom. New York state was the first state observe this holiday.

In the year 1915, Monica Michael wrote this poem in respone to "In Flanders Fiels" that made red poppies the flower that represented this day that we give thanks to those who died for their country. For our country.

We cherish too, the Poppy red

that grows on fiels where valor led,

It seems to signal to the skies

That blood of heroes never dies.

That was completely new to me. I had no idea that red poppies had anything to do with memorial day.

Memorial day has become a day where you don't only decorate the graves of fallen soldiers but any of the people in your life that have passed away. I think this is not a bad thing at all. It is a good thing to remember those that are no longer with you.  Make tomorrow a day about more than your boat or fishing trip or...whatever. It was created for a reason.

What Memorial Day means to me
From this point forward, Memorial Day will be more than a BBQ or a camping trip. It won't be a day off of work or time and a half pay. It will be a day that I take to remember those who died for my right to have a blog and to say whatever the hell I wish to say. It will be a day that I not only appreciate my wonderful fiance for his service to his country but  maybe even feel a little bad about the fact that I get a little upset when he can't call me, or he's too tired to talk on the phone all night, or when I'm being negative and he just doesn't want to deal with it. 
It's a day to remember how I have the priveledge to live so freely in the United States (no matter how much money we owe China I can still say whatever I want). It's like...Thanksgiving, but without the food and a more specific thing to be thankful for... 
What a cool day that very few people participate in.

[Info and photograph were found at purpletrail.com I take no credit for the facts or picture only my own opinions]

Put A Smile On

Recently, I have leanred a little lesson.  I read some article that I saw in this post from a Military Spouse a while back and I have decided that now is the time to take it to heart.

To summarize just a little, the article is by a woman named Jessie Knadler.  She is the wife of a Captian in the Army Reserve holding down the fort while her husband is on deployment and she is talking about all of the challenges that come with being the wife of someone in the Millitary.  She spoke of how it is sometimes necessary to just say "Everything is fine" even when it isn't. And how sometimes, it's just not so easy to keep that up. That is a very brief summary. You can read the whole thing in the link I posted before.

Anyway, at the time that I read this, I didn't think much about it. I liked it, but I didn't feel like it related to me. J isn't deployed, I'm not raising a child on my own, and I don't really know of all the challenges that await me. But recently, I have been having quite a lot of trouble with myself. I haven't been happy with the way things are going for me. It's not because I'm unhappy with my relationship. This separation that we are going through is temorary and things will get better, I'm sure of it. The problem I'm experiencing now is more of one that he can't solve.

I'm upset that I got discharged from the Marines. I'm mad at myself for not having a plan B.  I sit here at my desk all day and blog about my problems and I haven't got a clue what to do to fix them. And unfortunately, this frustration with myself has seeped into everything else and caused me to be...perpetually grumpy.  And I suck at hiding it.
So when I'm on the phone with J, he gets grumpy becasue I'm grumpy and he dones't want to talk to me. And everyone in my family thinks that I'm being ridiculous when really, I'm just not happy and I'm tired of pretending...

That being said, I still need to supportive of J. It's important for me to not add to the stresses in his life. He's concerned about keeping up and making mistakes. He's worried about the upcoming deployment and being able to do his job. I don't need to be bothering him with my bad mood. I need to remember that...It's not worth making it even harder for him to be away from me...  So, I guess I will just put a smile on and do my best to be happy...