Hurt...

I had a post written planned for today, but instead, I'm feeling the need to just talk...I've got so much going on inside of my head right now that I can't sort it out. I told myself I wouldn't write about this anymore...but I need to.

It's so frustrating.

Right now, I'm having the hardest time just being grateful for the things that I have. I feel more unhappy now that I ever could have imagined and I have more good things going for me now than ever before...I'm trying not to let this heart ache take over my life (and my blog...) but the grief is just swallowing me up and I'm so afraid of what tomorow brings that I can barely make it through the day.

Yesterday, my family played a gig. If you have been with me for a while, you know that I have a family band that plays bluegrass music. I have been hating playing music lately because it was something that I had shared with J more than I had ever shared with anyone. He wanted to learn and be a part of it. It meant so much to me and right now, I hate that it hurts so bad to do something that I used to love so much because I don't have J to share it with...

That's not the only thing either. Although I'm excited about the Army, I feel like the decision to join when I did really hurt my relationship. Yesterday when I checked into my unit, I wanted to be so happy. I got my ID and I took a picture and I tried to send it to J and I remember that I couldn't...That even if I had, he wouldn't respond and probably wouldn't care.

You can say it over and over again. I know that it isn't right to feel this way. I should not feel like my accomplishments mean nothing just because I can't share it. I should know that it means something. I should know that I worked hard for the things that I have and that I am important. That I matter, but right now, it certainly doesn't feel like I matter...I feel like...an ant. I feel so small and worthless.

All my life, I have been a confident, indepentant girl. I have never needed someone to lean on and I never wanted anyone to lean on. I had decided what my plan was for life and I figured that I would stick to it. But On July 4th, 2011, everything changed. a few days after that, I was standing in my kitchen making myself some breakfast, and I turned to my mom and I said "Mom, I'm going to marry him."

She looked at me completely shocked. She would have expected it from my older sister. She said that about every guy she dated. But not me. I had a plan. I didn't even want to get married and I wasn't planning on any kids either.  I had never been much of a guy-magnet and I really didn't see anything getting in the way of that plan.

When I said that, I meant it. I thought that I could trust him with my heart and that he was worth ditching the plan. I found that I liked having someone to lean on and I wanted to be able to share everything. You start to depend on them for things because you can and it feels good to operate as a unit instead of two seperate people...

I loved feeling like I was a part of something big. Like we were two halves of a whole...It felt...right. and Now I just feel stupid. I wouldn't take a single day with him back. Not for one minute...but I wish the memories would get out of my head and stop hurting me so badly.

I'm Katie. I'm a 20-something Soldier & student taking each day one step at a time. Living through all the growing pains that come with becoming that person that I always wanted to be & finding that bright side in all of this Camo-Colored Chaos. You can get to know more about me here.

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3 comments:

Marine Wife, Mommy & Life said...

Past relationships will continue to haunt you. They say the best way to get over them is to move on... And that is the hardest part placing your trust in someone new. It is possible though... I though I was going to marry someone once... 3 yrs of my life I swore it was going to happen. It didn't. The healing process seemed to take forever. I made some friends but lost ones we had together. It does teach you about relationships though. What you want, what you deserve, how you want to be treated and should be treated. There is no fault in still hurting over it. There is no fault in the good memories that come up either. Obviously it did not work out for a reason, and those reasons (the bad memories) are what needs to be remembered as well. This too shall pass. (This was my most hated and favorite saying at the time). You are still a strong independent woman. And growing stronger by the day. You got this hun. Focus on your new career. It will take you places psychically, mentally and emotionally. Thank you for your service!
~Jenni
http://wifemomworklife.blogspot.com/

Jamie said...

Hugs to you. Hang in there. Things will get easier. They have to.

Amelia said...

It is hard to lose someone who is important to you, who has been there for a while. It hurts. The ex I dated before I met my husband still haunts me--we had so many shared experiences, so many memories, it was so hard to let go of that (even though it was for the better) and sometimes I still think about him. I promise you, though, you will learn to move past it in time. It's not an immediate thing. And that's okay! You need to focus on you, don't worry about anything else except healing. I hope it gets better for you.

 
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