It's so frustrating.
Right now, I'm having the hardest time just being grateful for the things that I have. I feel more unhappy now that I ever could have imagined and I have more good things going for me now than ever before...I'm trying not to let this heart ache take over my life (and my blog...) but the grief is just swallowing me up and I'm so afraid of what tomorow brings that I can barely make it through the day.
Yesterday, my family played a gig. If you have been with me for a while, you know that I have a family band that plays bluegrass music. I have been hating playing music lately because it was something that I had shared with J more than I had ever shared with anyone. He wanted to learn and be a part of it. It meant so much to me and right now, I hate that it hurts so bad to do something that I used to love so much because I don't have J to share it with...
That's not the only thing either. Although I'm excited about the Army, I feel like the decision to join when I did really hurt my relationship. Yesterday when I checked into my unit, I wanted to be so happy. I got my ID and I took a picture and I tried to send it to J and I remember that I couldn't...That even if I had, he wouldn't respond and probably wouldn't care.
You can say it over and over again. I know that it isn't right to feel this way. I should not feel like my accomplishments mean nothing just because I can't share it. I should know that it means something. I should know that I worked hard for the things that I have and that I am important. That I matter, but right now, it certainly doesn't feel like I matter...I feel like...an ant. I feel so small and worthless.
All my life, I have been a confident, indepentant girl. I have never needed someone to lean on and I never wanted anyone to lean on. I had decided what my plan was for life and I figured that I would stick to it. But On July 4th, 2011, everything changed. a few days after that, I was standing in my kitchen making myself some breakfast, and I turned to my mom and I said "Mom, I'm going to marry him."
She looked at me completely shocked. She would have expected it from my older sister. She said that about every guy she dated. But not me. I had a plan. I didn't even want to get married and I wasn't planning on any kids either. I had never been much of a guy-magnet and I really didn't see anything getting in the way of that plan.
When I said that, I meant it. I thought that I could trust him with my heart and that he was worth ditching the plan. I found that I liked having someone to lean on and I wanted to be able to share everything. You start to depend on them for things because you can and it feels good to operate as a unit instead of two seperate people...
I loved feeling like I was a part of something big. Like we were two halves of a whole...It felt...right. and Now I just feel stupid. I wouldn't take a single day with him back. Not for one minute...but I wish the memories would get out of my head and stop hurting me so badly.
I'm Katie. I'm a 20-something Soldier & student taking each day one step at a time. Living through all the growing pains that come with
becoming that person that I always wanted to be & finding that bright side in all of this Camo-Colored Chaos. You can get to know more about me here.
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