I can't help it.

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is another post about how my heart hurts. I'm sorry to dump it all here but I need an outlet that won't judge me. So, if you don't want to read it...don't.

Today, I woke up and decided that I would put on make up.  I've been avoiding it since Monday because I've just been crying like a baby every day and figured it was pointless. But today, I woke up with a new attitude. I don't feel better. I definitely don't. But I just want to trick myself into thinking I do. So I put on make up. I put on a dress. I combed my hair like I care.

Just as I finish applying my make up then, of course, J texts me. Why in the hell on the one day that I decide that I'm going to be okay and have a good day, does he have to text me and say something mean (I ended up texting him back some bad ranty stuff...I shoulda just put the phone down and forgotten about it...but I didn't.) that ruins my day. Of course, I start to cry. I cried all the way out the door and into work and by the time I sat in my desk make up was all over my face.

Why does he have to do that? Why does he feel like he needs to just keep pushing buttons and hurting me more?  I really want to believe him when he says "I don't love you" and "I've moved on" but I just don't see how that is possible...How can you have your entire life invested in someone on Monday, and have completely changed your mind on Sunday? Does that happen?! Please tell me that it does so I can just believe it and move on with my freakin life...

It has only been a week, and I certainly don't think that it's just all going to be better after some specific amount of time, but I want to do it on my terms my way. Why does J feel like he needs to tell me what I have to do? He doesn't even get that right anymore. He threw that right away when he threw me away...

I have this ache in the pit of my stomach. I feel that I'm unwanted, selfish, stupid, gullible, unloved, ridiculous and hated...And it's not fair that he has the power to make me feel that way. It's not fair that he dictates whether or not I have a good day or not. And it's not fair that he can just quit on me one day after I have finally decided that I can trust him again and I don't want to ever let him go...

I'm Katie. I'm a 20-something Soldier & student taking each day one step at a time. Living through all the growing pains that come with becoming that person that I always wanted to be & finding that bright side in all of this Camo-Colored Chaos. You can get to know more about me here.

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1 comment:

Holly said...

Don't apologize for posting so much about this. You should be posting about it if that is how you feel. I don't know you but I really wish you didn't have to go through this. I've been through this before and I know how badly it hurts and how powerless you feel. There really are no words of encouragement because you know deep down that everyone gets past this kind of thing and has a better life after time goes by, but that isn't going to help you right now. So for now just do what makes you feel better- and if that means blogging about it all the time, then that's what you should do!

 
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