Maybe, Just Maybe...

If you've been following along for a while, you know that I was engaged when I started this lil' bloggy. You also know that I am no longer.

Some days, when I think about it all, I hurt. I think about all my regret and all my pain. I think about how badly I still want everything that we were. Usually, all I can think about is how much I hate, hate, hate. But...

afew days ago, maybe a week or so ago, I was driving home from work and I had some sunflower seeds I was snacking on. I was putting the shells in a little baggy in my cup holder. Suddenly, I started to laugh aloud.  I wasn't listening to music or anything so I could just hear my self laughing hysterically as I remember an experience I had with J.

We were driving to Pocatello for a bluegrass festival and I was at the wheel. Why, I have no idea. I hate to drive. J drove almost our entire relationship even though it was almost always my car we drove in, so I haven't a clue why I decided that a two hour drive would be cool...But anyway, that's beside the point. I was, again, snacking on some seeds and placing the shells in a supposedly empty Red Bull can in the cup holder. J looks over at me and says, "Where are you putting those?!" as he follows my hand down to the can in the cup holder...

I was putting my shell into his full Red Bull...Whoops! Now, I've probably never told ya'll about this, but J loves Red Bull. Like, loves it. I constantly wondered if it held a larger space in his heart than I did...So you can imagine the look on his face when he realized that I'd tainted his red bull with my sunflower seed shells. He was so mad... I don't think I had ever seen him so angry at me...

And now you're like...uh okay, what was the point of that story. Well I'll tell you:  Usually, I would have thought about that  day in the car on the way to Pocatello and I wouldn't have been able to eat another seed. I would have turned on some loud ,angry music that J doesn't like and attempted to drown out the ache I felt inside because of that memory. Instead, though, I laughed. I laughed a big and full, and if I'm not mistaken, happy laugh.

I take this as a good thing...I have really been through a whole lot of shitty and tough stuff in this short life I've lived. But I think that I have been turning good memories into bad ones. Instead of remember how fantastic that summer was and how I will never forget it as long as I live, I just let it hurt me...I can't do that anymore. I can't let the tough stuff eat me up. I just need to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, I will be.