The Next Big Thing

I'm aware that I am awful at blogging, but now I am home! 

I have been pretty busy since my plane landed on the 24th! I've been playing with my niece endlessly, eating way too much, shopping just enough and buying only a few things here and there! I'm doing pretty good not emptying out my pockets. 

Seriously, this lil' girl is my pride and joy. She's just about 5 months old and she has me wrapped around her little, tiny, baby finger. Her little baby laugh is the sweetest thing in the world and I just can't take my eyes off of her sweet face. I just want to hold her and never let her grow up. 

On Thursday, I saw the flashing sign at the soccer stadium near my house flashing Jason Aldean's name and decided I might try to get some tickets. Turns out, I scored amazing seats right on the field. I took my friend and had the time of my life. Jason Aldean put on a great show and I knew every song he sang. It felt so strange to just be acting like a regular old...girl, but it was the good kind of strange. 

Seriously, we were freaking out about how great our seats were the whole time...I don't know how on Earth I got so lucky. 

Later that night, we went out to the west side of Utah Lake and did the most red neck camping I have ever done. Complete with beer cans in the fire pit and sleeping on an air mattress on the back of a four-wheeler trailer.  Don't get me wrong though, it was probably the funnest camping I have done in a while. In the morning we shot a few rounds from all the weapons we brought along with us and the guys did some four-wheeling around the windy trails.  It was definitely worth the trip out there. 

In other news, I'm getting ready to move down to UNLV so, I'm doing my best to save up my money and not go too crazy.  In the next couple of weeks I am going back to work at my civilian job, buying a car (oh my gosh...talk about anxiety!) and getting the heck out of Utah, again! 

I suppose that now that this little chapter of military training has ended, it's time to move onto the next big thing!

Maybe, Just Maybe...

If you've been following along for a while, you know that I was engaged when I started this lil' bloggy. You also know that I am no longer.

Some days, when I think about it all, I hurt. I think about all my regret and all my pain. I think about how badly I still want everything that we were. Usually, all I can think about is how much I hate, hate, hate. But...

afew days ago, maybe a week or so ago, I was driving home from work and I had some sunflower seeds I was snacking on. I was putting the shells in a little baggy in my cup holder. Suddenly, I started to laugh aloud.  I wasn't listening to music or anything so I could just hear my self laughing hysterically as I remember an experience I had with J.

We were driving to Pocatello for a bluegrass festival and I was at the wheel. Why, I have no idea. I hate to drive. J drove almost our entire relationship even though it was almost always my car we drove in, so I haven't a clue why I decided that a two hour drive would be cool...But anyway, that's beside the point. I was, again, snacking on some seeds and placing the shells in a supposedly empty Red Bull can in the cup holder. J looks over at me and says, "Where are you putting those?!" as he follows my hand down to the can in the cup holder...

I was putting my shell into his full Red Bull...Whoops! Now, I've probably never told ya'll about this, but J loves Red Bull. Like, loves it. I constantly wondered if it held a larger space in his heart than I did...So you can imagine the look on his face when he realized that I'd tainted his red bull with my sunflower seed shells. He was so mad... I don't think I had ever seen him so angry at me...

And now you're like...uh okay, what was the point of that story. Well I'll tell you:  Usually, I would have thought about that  day in the car on the way to Pocatello and I wouldn't have been able to eat another seed. I would have turned on some loud ,angry music that J doesn't like and attempted to drown out the ache I felt inside because of that memory. Instead, though, I laughed. I laughed a big and full, and if I'm not mistaken, happy laugh.

I take this as a good thing...I have really been through a whole lot of shitty and tough stuff in this short life I've lived. But I think that I have been turning good memories into bad ones. Instead of remember how fantastic that summer was and how I will never forget it as long as I live, I just let it hurt me...I can't do that anymore. I can't let the tough stuff eat me up. I just need to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, I will be.

Post #100

Well, I made it. Post #100. 

You know, I really like big benchmark posts. That way I can reflect on what my blog has been thus far. It has been a lot of things for being so young. I've been at it for a couple days over 7 months and things have changed....a lot.

My entire life is different from the day I started this blog...It even had a different name!  I've come so far...and I've also regressed a lot. I've made mistakes and I've done a few things right. When I started this blog, I was really excited about my future with a boy.  I couldn't wait to be one of those popular MilSO blogs that a million people followed and always had a zillion comments.

Well, 100 posts later, everything is different. I don't care about having a million followers (Although, I am always happy to see that there is another person on this planet who cares what I have to say!) and comments are nice and I really love to get them, but I'm not blogging for fame. I'm blogging to survive my life and maybe start loving it again...

It's amazing to have documentation of the person that you were and the person that you are becoming...

I think that is probably the best thing about this blog. It constantly changes with the person that I am becoming. Each day and each experiance is shaping me into the person that I will one day be.  Sometimes, I think that we have to be someone that we don't like in order the find the person that we do like. It's like...dating yourself. You've got to try the wrong things to know what the right ones are. And you've got to date (and almost marry apparently) the wrong man to know that he's not the right one for you...

Today, things are getting better.  I'm still...discontent. But I'm working really hard not to be. I think that eventually, I'm going to be okay and I'll be better for it...And hopefully, I learn from my mistakes.  I guess I have this blog to remind me how I felt/feel. 

Things will continue to change every day...and I guess I want to keep it that way.

And BTW, if you're visiting from the Walkabout, I recommend you visit the pages at the top so you can understand what on earth I'm talking about!