The Next Big Thing

I'm aware that I am awful at blogging, but now I am home! 

I have been pretty busy since my plane landed on the 24th! I've been playing with my niece endlessly, eating way too much, shopping just enough and buying only a few things here and there! I'm doing pretty good not emptying out my pockets. 

Seriously, this lil' girl is my pride and joy. She's just about 5 months old and she has me wrapped around her little, tiny, baby finger. Her little baby laugh is the sweetest thing in the world and I just can't take my eyes off of her sweet face. I just want to hold her and never let her grow up. 

On Thursday, I saw the flashing sign at the soccer stadium near my house flashing Jason Aldean's name and decided I might try to get some tickets. Turns out, I scored amazing seats right on the field. I took my friend and had the time of my life. Jason Aldean put on a great show and I knew every song he sang. It felt so strange to just be acting like a regular old...girl, but it was the good kind of strange. 

Seriously, we were freaking out about how great our seats were the whole time...I don't know how on Earth I got so lucky. 

Later that night, we went out to the west side of Utah Lake and did the most red neck camping I have ever done. Complete with beer cans in the fire pit and sleeping on an air mattress on the back of a four-wheeler trailer.  Don't get me wrong though, it was probably the funnest camping I have done in a while. In the morning we shot a few rounds from all the weapons we brought along with us and the guys did some four-wheeling around the windy trails.  It was definitely worth the trip out there. 

In other news, I'm getting ready to move down to UNLV so, I'm doing my best to save up my money and not go too crazy.  In the next couple of weeks I am going back to work at my civilian job, buying a car (oh my gosh...talk about anxiety!) and getting the heck out of Utah, again! 

I suppose that now that this little chapter of military training has ended, it's time to move onto the next big thing!

Thankful for Change Even Though I Sort Of Hate It

This is the cork board at my grandpa's house. 

Nothing on this board has changed since my grandma died but the calendar. There's little notes, phone numbers, reminders, lists, measurements for something she was going to sew. things we made for her cards from the services she used. and then some. 

I love this board because when I sit there at the kitchen table, it feels, for just one moment, like nothing as changed.  It feels like I'm going to stand up and see her sitting at her sewing machine making baby blankets for my sister's new baby coming this March, or putting together neighbor gifts for Christmas. 

But unfortunately, that isn't going to happen. Things have changed. 

It's hard to be thankful for change, but we have to be. 

I constantly hate that I have to live without certain things in my life, but it has made me stronger and shaped who I am. I've talked about change quite a lot here because it is an extremely common theme in my life. 

I don't think that I'm worse off from it either. 

I like that board in the kitchen that never changes. It's a piece of yesterday that I really love to look at, but I live for today and for tomorrow and the next day. And I am so very thankful fact. 

Don't forget to check out my first sponsor for the month of November! Show your husbands how thankful you are for them with a new multi-tool case!

Maybe, Just Maybe...

If you've been following along for a while, you know that I was engaged when I started this lil' bloggy. You also know that I am no longer.

Some days, when I think about it all, I hurt. I think about all my regret and all my pain. I think about how badly I still want everything that we were. Usually, all I can think about is how much I hate, hate, hate. But...

afew days ago, maybe a week or so ago, I was driving home from work and I had some sunflower seeds I was snacking on. I was putting the shells in a little baggy in my cup holder. Suddenly, I started to laugh aloud.  I wasn't listening to music or anything so I could just hear my self laughing hysterically as I remember an experience I had with J.

We were driving to Pocatello for a bluegrass festival and I was at the wheel. Why, I have no idea. I hate to drive. J drove almost our entire relationship even though it was almost always my car we drove in, so I haven't a clue why I decided that a two hour drive would be cool...But anyway, that's beside the point. I was, again, snacking on some seeds and placing the shells in a supposedly empty Red Bull can in the cup holder. J looks over at me and says, "Where are you putting those?!" as he follows my hand down to the can in the cup holder...

I was putting my shell into his full Red Bull...Whoops! Now, I've probably never told ya'll about this, but J loves Red Bull. Like, loves it. I constantly wondered if it held a larger space in his heart than I did...So you can imagine the look on his face when he realized that I'd tainted his red bull with my sunflower seed shells. He was so mad... I don't think I had ever seen him so angry at me...

And now you're like...uh okay, what was the point of that story. Well I'll tell you:  Usually, I would have thought about that  day in the car on the way to Pocatello and I wouldn't have been able to eat another seed. I would have turned on some loud ,angry music that J doesn't like and attempted to drown out the ache I felt inside because of that memory. Instead, though, I laughed. I laughed a big and full, and if I'm not mistaken, happy laugh.

I take this as a good thing...I have really been through a whole lot of shitty and tough stuff in this short life I've lived. But I think that I have been turning good memories into bad ones. Instead of remember how fantastic that summer was and how I will never forget it as long as I live, I just let it hurt me...I can't do that anymore. I can't let the tough stuff eat me up. I just need to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, I will be.

I got broken once, so I'm going to go party to celebrate surviving it...

Well, the day is finally here. One year ago today, I got in the accident that changed my life forever.  Seems how I already posted about it, I won't be writing about it today. But if you missed it last week, feel free to check it out!

So go out on a bike ride, do a crazy awesome work out in the gym, drink a protein shake, and do a little dance for me today.  Maybe have a drink for me. I'm not old enough to, so someone will have to do it for me ;)
And if you do go on a bike ride, wear a freakin helmet! You don't want to end up with a brain like mine...I'm a bear of very little brain...

I'm going to a concert tonight to celebrate that I made it through this horrible accident.  It broke my arm, it broke my spirits, and it broke my heart, but there's good things ahead for me...good things.






Oh yeah, Don't forget about my giveaway! Hurry and enter! There are only 7 days left!

Working Against The Forces of Nature

Oh Thursday, we meet again...Every Thursday, I go back to my blogging roots and I talk about something that means something to me instead of an event of meaningless fluff about myself.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about change. 

I've been going through a lot of it these days. Over and over again, circumstances change which makes it necessary for us to change. We have to mold and adapt to our surroundings in order to survive where ever we end up. 

Unfortunately, there are millions of things that are beyond our control. We are forced into places we aren't comfortable. We're forced out of places we never wanted to leave. We're given things that we want. Things that we love are taken from us. We work hard for things and receive them. We work hard for things and we don't receive them.  We forget the things that matter most and we remember the things that we wish we could forget. 

When you are a part of world where there are millions of other people who also have hopes and dreams. They have loves and desires that are just like yours and mine. We are bound to be forced to compete or to lose or to win. 

Because of all of those things, we can't just stay the same. I can't just be the same old Katie I was a couple of months ago.

I could try to be, but it just doesn't fit anymore. 

Only a few months ago I was blissfully happy, but then I got my heart broken.  I'm just not so happy anymore. 

A year or so ago, being just "okay" was fine with me, but then I broke my arm. I was at a disadvantage and I had to work harder to be half as good. So why not work even harder to be the best?

Before my grandma died, I was...careless. I only had one thing on my mind: personal success. When she was gone, I realized that there was a whole more to life than me. 

I'm just different. There is no denying it. And if I just tried to stay the same, I wouldn't be me. The experiences we have shape us into the people we are. We learn from our mistakes, we live with our regrets. We make those same mistakes that we thought we had learned from.  We grow into better, more experienced people and we do what we have to do to survive every force of nature that is working against us all the freaking time. 

So, that's it.  Change. It's necessary. The world we live in is constantly changing and we can't go back in time to fix the crap we wish never happen and do the things we wish would have happened. So all We can do is live for today and tomorrow and the next day and be ready to do a 180 or a 360 whenever the crap life decides it's time.

I'm getting my elbow pads ready...I sense a storm coming...

My Not-So-Pearly Whites

Due to the fact that I hardly ever post pictures of me with a big, toothy, smile on my face, ya'll probably have no idea that I have ugly teeth. I try my best to keep 'em hidden.

See? No teeth...ever. I'm also considering rocking that lipstick on a daily basis...looove.

All my life, I've been self-concious about my smile. It has been explained to me by dentists that the reason my teeth are the way they are is because of when I was baby. Your teeth begin forming from the time that you are a baby (even your adult teeth) and when you have high fevers or problems in your baby-hood (is babyhood a thing? It should be) your teeth can form softer than they are supposed to. This causes them to be suseptible to everything that could make them less than perfect.

I have these ridiculously sensative teeth that are yellow and stained. They have basically zero enamle and they hurt all day every day. I can't bite a popsicle, suck on a piece of ice, eat anything sweet with my back teeth or really, go an entire day without a tooth ache.

You're probably wondering why on earth I decided to make a blog post about how I have ugly teeth. Well, it's because I'm getting new ones!

Yes, it's true, I'm getting ten beautiful, white new teeth and it makes me so happy that I could cry.

I can't start the work for them until after I get home from Basic and AIT, but I am still so excited.  I have been told by plenty of people, "I don't even notice it" or they ask "Why do you care so much about it?" Well, I just care...It really sucks to be afraid to laugh because a smile will spread across my face, or not smiling in a picture because I don't want anyone to see that I have an overbite or that I never had braces (would have destroyed my teeth even more)

Now, I'm finally going to get the change to smile and be okay with it. It's going to cost me, but it's also going to be worth it. I'm sure of it.

I plan on doing it a little bit at a time. That way, it won't dent my wallet all at once and it might not be as painful.  Maybe if I get lucky, I'll be able to start before I leave....I guess we'll see.

So this picture will be among the last with those teeth. Unfortunately, I can't say the same about the chins...

Nowhere to go but forward...

Alright, I decided that before I start moving things into place, I'd give you a sneak-peak of my bedroom.

Like I said, in high school I thought that these two colors would be totally awesome...Well I've not only grown out of that but I also have an extremem need for change right now. This room has been a place where I have shared a lot of things with a lot of people (not just J) and I really want this room to be different. I want it to be a place where I can escape and not think about the people that I've shared this room with.

What do you think?

A couple of days ago, I bought a white shelf thing and some drawers to go inside it ( I also bought a bunch of new gym clothes and I spent way too much money...#retailtherapy...haha)

I'm planning to get rid of that dresser in the top picture, my computer/computer desk, and my TV. I am considering also getting rid of that book shelf in the talk picture as well, but I haven't quite decided yet.

I hope that this brand-new room will help me feel...clensed. I've been so frustrated with everything in my life for the longest time. Even when I was ridiculously happy with J and I could hardly want another thing in the world, I felt lost. I felt like I had no direction and no real plans for me. Yeah, at that point, I was planning a life with J. I was really excited about that, but it was hard to be okay with just being a wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn't see that being the life for me.

Currently, I'm at a turning point (I'm not happy about how I got to this point, but as much as I hate to admit it, it must be for the best...) that basically decides how things go for me for the rest of my life. Yes, it's true, you can change your direction at 25, 30, 50...whatever, but I'm seeing this "transition period" of my life as a very crucial point in my life. 

I talked to J's sister last night. We'll call her T. T said something to me that was very insightful. She said "What other choice do you have than to pick up and forget about it?"

And she's right...I won't just be able to forget the way that I have been treated, and I won't forget this hurt that I am feeling right now, but I don't have any other choice but to pick up and move on with my life.  I'm not going to feel better over night, but I have to take some baby steps...And my room, that is the first step.

I've got nowhere to go but forward... 

P.S-- I check into my unit and get my military ID on Tuesday...I'm getting my drill schedule and I'm gonna get to work...Wish me luck!

The Part Where She Gets Dumped

Hey there blog-world, put on your sympathy hats because this is about to get sad.

J decided yesterday, that he no longer loves me. That he'd rather see other people and that I'm not worth the lonliness that he feels every day.

He officially broke up with me and told me that he doesn't  want me to have his ring and that he doesn't feel anything towards me. I don't know what to do.

I have never felt so broken. I had so much trust in J and so much hope for our future. I knew that we were going to make it. I was not scared that this would happen...But I should have seen it coming.

I should have known that it was all too good to be true, and I wouldn't ever get the "happily ever after..." that I wanted.  It's too fair and it's too right for me to just get what I want. Right?

I am sitting here at work, staring at my computer and typing and trying so so hard to not think about him. I'm trying to erase him from my brain but he is everywhere in everything.

I just keep looking towards the sky and asking for the hurt to go away...It doesn't.

For now, this blog might be a little bit...depressing, but I'm going to keep blogging. I think that it will be threaputic in a sense. Obviously the direction is going to change a bit, but I won't let him take this away from me.

I won't.

The Bloggy Life

Yesterday, I got some good news.

On Tuesday, I get to go in for a consult appointment for the Army. Should they decide at this appointment that I am no longer broken and I can go the distance, I will begin processing for a waiver and I will become a Reservist for the United States Army. Boy, how things change.

When I started this blog, my intentions were to document my engagement, then my life with my Marine. I wanted it to be a place where I could talk about how I was preparing to build a happy home with my future husband and talk about how we survive this long distance relationship.

Things have definitely changed.  Like I said in my very first post, this blog is unlike others I have ever created. I wanted to actually talk about my life.

I have really gone through a lot of changes since I started blogging here. When I started in March, I was excited to be engaged, I missed J, I was jealous/sad/really lost. Things just weren't going well for me besides the fact that I was happy to have a ring on my finger.

Now here I am a few months later, feeling like a completely different person. I guess that happens a lot when you're this age though. Things have a way of switching up on you without notice. Really, it happens at all stages of your life, I guess.  Since I have started this blog I have...

complained a lot.
bought a bunch of thrifty things for my wedding.
been ridiculously unhappy with my life
been really happy with my life.
been unbelievably ungrateful for the things that I have.
gone to 29 Palms three times.
gotten broken up with.
made/planted a garden.
gotten back together with J (technically we're not engaged. But honestly, we might as well be...don't tell him that though ;))
decided to join a different branch and go to school.
taken the high road.
put a sewing machine in my room.
gutted my room of junk to prepare for a yard sale (It's tomorrow! I'm excited and sad...)
And I have been happier than I have ever been before...

Wow...what a flipfloppy blogger I am...

Happy 50th post to me!

Change

First of all! I got my anniversary present last night! My ring! I have been feeling so naked without it and I am sooo happy to have it back where it belongs. The thing about wearing a ring, is that I don't love it because it's beautiful and I love it more than any piece of jewlery I've ever owned... (okay I do, but there is more to it.) I wear it because when I look down at it, I get to think about J and how I belong to him and no one else. It makes me feel good and even though I know it anyway, I love to have the ring to remind me. I mean come on, look at it...He picked it out himself without any help from me!

And now onto a completely different topic.

I'm gearing up for a yard sale and a complete room remodel. That means that I have gotten into all the crap on the top shelf of my closet and torn it all down and it looks like this.

Don't judge me for my orange walls...it's my favorite color.

I have found a few little treasure though that I am really excited to use in my new and improved room.

I found this cool little mirror and these plastic shelf things that I'm sure I can put to use and this clothes pin apron that my great grandma embroidered.



And I'm sure that I am just scratching the surface of cool stuff I'm going to find burried in my room.

I have also found a lot of stuff that I want/have to sell in our yard sale. Yesterday, some friends we play music with had a yard sale at their house and my sister took some of her old clothes and toys over there to sell. She make $35+ Which is pretty good when you're selling most stuff for a quarter.

It's funny, though, how I'll find something and I'll want to keep it because it reminds me of something. Like when I was younger I had the planets hanging from my ceiling with a whole bunch of glow-in-the-dark stars. I found them in a bag that I put them all in when I redid my room in highschool. My grandma bought me the solar system kit from the planeterium when I was in fifth or sixth grade and I stuck constellastions (yes, I did actual constellations...I was a nerd) up on my ceiling and putting them in a bag to sell to someone else is a lot harder than I would have thought. All I can think about is how excited I was when I got it and the big hug I gave my grandma.  If I remember correctly it was expensive. And it has pluto in it. I hated pluto, so whatever., but still, it's cool because it's not a planet anymore.

Basically, I'm discovering that getting rid of my old crap will not be as cut-and-dry as I would hope...But oh well I guess, when you grow up, things just have to change.  And usually, it's going to be for the better.