Life is tough...

Right now, J and I are going through what you might call...a rough patch. On Monday, he broke up with me.

I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise.  He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.

Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed.  He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...),  and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.


On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.

I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.

As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!).  I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.


Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...


So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.

Memorial Day

What I Learned At Work Today [Week 4]

Today at work, I sought information on the upcoming holiday. Memorial day is not a day that I have typically given much thought to. It was nice in school to have the three day weekend after long weeks of no breaks but other than that, memorial day didn't mean much to me at all.

Seems how I am getting ready to send the love of my life off to war, I thought maybe I could learn a little bit about it and really think about all of the liberties that we as citizens of the United States have because of the Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, and Sailors that have given their lives.

I don't know anyone that died fighting a war, and I sincerely hope that I never do. But what I do have, are people very close to me that volunteered to put themselves in harms way because they believe in something bigger than them.

So, what I learned today, was that Memorial Day has been one that was celebrated since just after the civil war. It was first referred to as Decoration Day and was a day dedicated to decorating the graves of those who had died in the war.

Memorial Day was made an offical Federal holiday in 1971. The last Monday in May was chosen because the flowers would be in bloom. New York state was the first state observe this holiday.

In the year 1915, Monica Michael wrote this poem in respone to "In Flanders Fiels" that made red poppies the flower that represented this day that we give thanks to those who died for their country. For our country.

We cherish too, the Poppy red

that grows on fiels where valor led,

It seems to signal to the skies

That blood of heroes never dies.

That was completely new to me. I had no idea that red poppies had anything to do with memorial day.

Memorial day has become a day where you don't only decorate the graves of fallen soldiers but any of the people in your life that have passed away. I think this is not a bad thing at all. It is a good thing to remember those that are no longer with you.  Make tomorrow a day about more than your boat or fishing trip or...whatever. It was created for a reason.

What Memorial Day means to me
From this point forward, Memorial Day will be more than a BBQ or a camping trip. It won't be a day off of work or time and a half pay. It will be a day that I take to remember those who died for my right to have a blog and to say whatever the hell I wish to say. It will be a day that I not only appreciate my wonderful fiance for his service to his country but  maybe even feel a little bad about the fact that I get a little upset when he can't call me, or he's too tired to talk on the phone all night, or when I'm being negative and he just doesn't want to deal with it. 
It's a day to remember how I have the priveledge to live so freely in the United States (no matter how much money we owe China I can still say whatever I want). It's like...Thanksgiving, but without the food and a more specific thing to be thankful for... 
What a cool day that very few people participate in.

[Info and photograph were found at purpletrail.com I take no credit for the facts or picture only my own opinions]