Maybe, Just Maybe...



If you've been following along for a while, you know that I was engaged when I started this lil' bloggy. You also know that I am no longer.

Some days, when I think about it all, I hurt. I think about all my regret and all my pain. I think about how badly I still want everything that we were. Usually, all I can think about is how much I hate, hate, hate. But...

afew days ago, maybe a week or so ago, I was driving home from work and I had some sunflower seeds I was snacking on. I was putting the shells in a little baggy in my cup holder. Suddenly, I started to laugh aloud.  I wasn't listening to music or anything so I could just hear my self laughing hysterically as I remember an experience I had with J.

We were driving to Pocatello for a bluegrass festival and I was at the wheel. Why, I have no idea. I hate to drive. J drove almost our entire relationship even though it was almost always my car we drove in, so I haven't a clue why I decided that a two hour drive would be cool...But anyway, that's beside the point. I was, again, snacking on some seeds and placing the shells in a supposedly empty Red Bull can in the cup holder. J looks over at me and says, "Where are you putting those?!" as he follows my hand down to the can in the cup holder...
I was putting my shell into his full Red Bull...Whoops! Now, I've probably never told ya'll about this, but J loves Red Bull. Like, loves it. I constantly wondered if it held a larger space in his heart than I did...So you can imagine the look on his face when he realized that I'd tainted his red bull with my sunflower seed shells. He was so mad... I don't think I had ever seen him so angry at me...
And now you're like...uh okay, what was the point of that story. Well I'll tell you:  Usually, I would have thought about that  day in the car on the way to Pocatello and I wouldn't have been able to eat another seed. I would have turned on some loud ,angry music that J doesn't like and attempted to drown out the ache I felt inside because of that memory. Instead, though, I laughed. I laughed a big and full, and if I'm not mistaken, happy laugh.

I take this as a good thing...I have really been through a whole lot of shitty and tough stuff in this short life I've lived. But I think that I have been turning good memories into bad ones. Instead of remember how fantastic that summer was and how I will never forget it as long as I live, I just let it hurt me...I can't do that anymore. I can't let the tough stuff eat me up. I just need to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, I will be.


I'm Katie. I'm a 20-something Soldier & student taking each day one step at a time. Living through all the growing pains that come with becoming that person that I always wanted to be & finding that bright side in all of this Camo-Colored Chaos. You can get to know more about me here.

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5 comments:

Jane said...

❤ You are so strong and it's so nice to finally realize when you're moving on.

Kim said...

Good for you! I love that song btw. :)

Oh and I nominated you for a blogger award on my blog!

Annie said...

awesome!! :) happy for you! That is a good sign... hope you can always smile at those good memories! great song!

Holly said...

That is AWESOME! Good for you!

Ashley Bishop said...

It's really nice to get to move on and remember things in a positive way.

I left you an award on my blog. :)

 
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