It's Kinda funny...

Alright bliggity blog world...hold onto your keyboards, iPhones, Galaxy S3s, iPads, etc...this is about to get real.

I have been debating back and forth about whether or not to share this little bit of info with the blog world, and I've decided that since almost everything else about this situation was on here, this may as well be too...

I have become friends with J. Real. True. Sincere. Talk as often as we can. F R I E N D S.

I suppose this started right after I got finished with basic. I sent him a message on Facebook (I'm pretty sure I said something to him first, but I can't remember) just briefly summarizing some of the highlights of basic training (sharpshooter, high PFT, got promoted etc.) And then I left it alone. In all honesty, I was a little bit upset because I wrote a letter to his home address that didn't get forwarded to him...it got sent back to me. I was kind of miffed even though he had no part in it, so I wasn't really interested in a conversation...

Well,  day or so later, he responded to my message and shocked me. I didn't expect him to say anything while he was on deployment. Oh yeah, he's deployed BTW...So anyway, as I was saying, We had a good little chat. I figured it would end at that. And it did for a while. But then he started talking to me more often. Then, it was, like, every day, like clockwork, even.  It took me by surprise, but I didn't see it as a bad thing at all, and I still don't.

Honestly, we're really good friends. It probably helps that he's on the the other side of the world living a completely different life than I am, but whatever. What matters, is that I'm...happy. I'm okay with my situation. I'm homesick, but I'm okay.  It doesn't make me sad or especially nostalgic to talk to him. I can be...adult about it and not have a problem.

Now that is something else if you ask me...

Maybe, Just Maybe...

If you've been following along for a while, you know that I was engaged when I started this lil' bloggy. You also know that I am no longer.

Some days, when I think about it all, I hurt. I think about all my regret and all my pain. I think about how badly I still want everything that we were. Usually, all I can think about is how much I hate, hate, hate. But...

afew days ago, maybe a week or so ago, I was driving home from work and I had some sunflower seeds I was snacking on. I was putting the shells in a little baggy in my cup holder. Suddenly, I started to laugh aloud.  I wasn't listening to music or anything so I could just hear my self laughing hysterically as I remember an experience I had with J.

We were driving to Pocatello for a bluegrass festival and I was at the wheel. Why, I have no idea. I hate to drive. J drove almost our entire relationship even though it was almost always my car we drove in, so I haven't a clue why I decided that a two hour drive would be cool...But anyway, that's beside the point. I was, again, snacking on some seeds and placing the shells in a supposedly empty Red Bull can in the cup holder. J looks over at me and says, "Where are you putting those?!" as he follows my hand down to the can in the cup holder...

I was putting my shell into his full Red Bull...Whoops! Now, I've probably never told ya'll about this, but J loves Red Bull. Like, loves it. I constantly wondered if it held a larger space in his heart than I did...So you can imagine the look on his face when he realized that I'd tainted his red bull with my sunflower seed shells. He was so mad... I don't think I had ever seen him so angry at me...

And now you're like...uh okay, what was the point of that story. Well I'll tell you:  Usually, I would have thought about that  day in the car on the way to Pocatello and I wouldn't have been able to eat another seed. I would have turned on some loud ,angry music that J doesn't like and attempted to drown out the ache I felt inside because of that memory. Instead, though, I laughed. I laughed a big and full, and if I'm not mistaken, happy laugh.

I take this as a good thing...I have really been through a whole lot of shitty and tough stuff in this short life I've lived. But I think that I have been turning good memories into bad ones. Instead of remember how fantastic that summer was and how I will never forget it as long as I live, I just let it hurt me...I can't do that anymore. I can't let the tough stuff eat me up. I just need to be okay. And maybe, just maybe, I will be.

Endurance

I just wrote a very long post about how frustrated I am with my life and that I'm annoyed with the way that things are going for me and that I wish I had more control over the things that happen. And it was actually pretty tastefully written and not so bad, but I did this thing where I high-lighted the enitre things and clicked delete.

If there is anything that I learned from my grandma, it's that life is too short. We can't waste our time and energy on being angry and upset. And the only thing that we can do when life gets tough is...endure.

So this is me, enduring.

Happy Sunday everyone. I wish mine was better than it is.

The Bloggy Life

Yesterday, I got some good news.

On Tuesday, I get to go in for a consult appointment for the Army. Should they decide at this appointment that I am no longer broken and I can go the distance, I will begin processing for a waiver and I will become a Reservist for the United States Army. Boy, how things change.

When I started this blog, my intentions were to document my engagement, then my life with my Marine. I wanted it to be a place where I could talk about how I was preparing to build a happy home with my future husband and talk about how we survive this long distance relationship.

Things have definitely changed.  Like I said in my very first post, this blog is unlike others I have ever created. I wanted to actually talk about my life.

I have really gone through a lot of changes since I started blogging here. When I started in March, I was excited to be engaged, I missed J, I was jealous/sad/really lost. Things just weren't going well for me besides the fact that I was happy to have a ring on my finger.

Now here I am a few months later, feeling like a completely different person. I guess that happens a lot when you're this age though. Things have a way of switching up on you without notice. Really, it happens at all stages of your life, I guess.  Since I have started this blog I have...

complained a lot.
bought a bunch of thrifty things for my wedding.
been ridiculously unhappy with my life
been really happy with my life.
been unbelievably ungrateful for the things that I have.
gone to 29 Palms three times.
gotten broken up with.
made/planted a garden.
gotten back together with J (technically we're not engaged. But honestly, we might as well be...don't tell him that though ;))
decided to join a different branch and go to school.
taken the high road.
put a sewing machine in my room.
gutted my room of junk to prepare for a yard sale (It's tomorrow! I'm excited and sad...)
And I have been happier than I have ever been before...

Wow...what a flipfloppy blogger I am...

Happy 50th post to me!