Perspective

Perspective : (noun) the interrelation in which a subject or its parts are mentally viewed.

(as defined by Merriam-Webster)

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about perspective. I have thought about it in regards to myself and my relationship.

The way you see a certain situation can make the biggest difference.  That seems like such a *duh* type of thing, but it's surprising to me how hard it can be to take off my figurative glasses and put on someone elses for a minute or two.  I think that it's hard to do because each person has had different experiences in their life that have caused them to see things the way they do.

I think that in a relationship, you have to at least try to trade glasses.  When you have an argument , you have to take a step back and gain some perspective from more than just your angle, becasue chances are, there's more than one way to look at whatever situation you might be in. 

Hmmm...Example? Probably necessary, I can get confusing when I go all philosophical.
My birthday.

In my eyes, a birthday is kind of a big deal. You make some sort of gesture that is going out of your way to be nice to someone because it's their birthday. I see it that way becaseu birthdays in my family are always a big deal. It's not just another day. It's your day.

In J's family, birthdays are not a very big deal. They might have family dinner and cake and icecream but they aren't much for presents and it's just not all that big a deal to do anything particularly special.

So when J just sent me a text that day that said "Happy Birthday (and a few other lovey-dovey things)" and then I didn't hear from him until I sent him a text at 11:00 pm that warned him that I was expecting at least a phone call before the nice was over I was upset. He wasn't even planning on calling me (maybe he was and he got busy or whatever but he was still texting me...I don't know whatever...)  but I honestly couldn't be mad at him. From his point of view, there was nothing more to be done after he acknowledged that it was my birthday.  Too often, you look at something that a person does for/to you (or doesn't do for that matter) as such a crime when to them, it probably wasn't all that big of a deal. Personally, I think that a lack of multiple perspecitves is where problems root from.

That being said, I don't think that being able to have a different perspective is only important when concerning interelations with others. It's also important for a person as an individual to pick up the object in front of them and take a close look from another angle. Recently, I have been working very hard to gain a different perspective (personally, I don't like to say "gain perspective"  without a "different" in there. Because you already have one perspective. Yours.) I have been so down in the dumps lately and have just felt worthless. I have a very negative body image, I feel bad for myself, I think that I'm defective because everything seems to just go wrong for me...

But starting a few weeks ago, I just told myself that it was time to take a step back and try to find a new way to look at this. And I am so glad that I did. Perspective. Give a new one a try. It'll change your life.

Bumps In The Road

It seems that lately, I've been hitting a whole bunch of bumps in the road, but my attitude has changed a lot. Instead of looking at the bumps and thinking about how crappy it's going to be to have to drive over, picturing the jostled papers, the tiped over bag and the drink I'm going to have to hold as I go over every bump I've been thinking about how to just avoid them altogether. Take a detour, if you will. Can you tell I like metaphors?

Bump #1:
I've been gaining weight like crazy!
It's truly crazy. I have always been a very naturally thin person. I had to gain weight to get into the Marines for hell's sake...And now, I look in the mirror and for the first time in my lifek, I am so unhappy with what I see. I think it's partly from being away from J. Food is a very comforting thing and with him gone, I want some comfort. I've never been much of an eater, but recently, food is one of the things that I think about most.
The fix?  I've decided that I'm not going to eat less, I'm going to eat different. I love to eat a lot of healthy things, it's just a matter of doing it. And not eating out so much...I eat out way too much. This month, I get to do the family grocery shopping and I'm planning on getting a wonderful variety of things that will be a welcome change for me and for my family. I think it will be a double whammy too. It will give me some experience in shopping (you know how I like to learn about saving money!) So that should be nice. I'm also going to have to start working out a whole lot more...I have been very lazy lately. I did a run and some PT yesterday and now I am dying here in my desk...time to work out!

Bump #2:
My 5 year engagement.
Okay, so maybe it's not...and it won't be...hopefully. But It feels like it. I've been looking at some places to get married and was getting so frustrating because no one was willing to work with the fact that I could possibly have to make changes and move dates if things ended up not working out because of permissions and leave etc. They were simply just...unreasonable. It was getting very discouraging. On top of that J is getting...jittery about the upcoming deployment. Which is completely understandable, but it makes me not want to talk to him about anything dealing with our wedding because it stresses him out. And we don't need him stressed...
The fix?
Yesterday, we went to a reception center called The Woods on Ninth and it is just absolutely beautiful. When I walked in, I felt like I had found the place but was instantly a little sick because I knew it wouldn't work out. It would be too difficult without a date and all these litlte complications.
Well, I was totally wrong. The manager lady got all excited and made me feel so much better and told me that we could figure something out and make something work. That it wouldn't be a problem if I had to change things around and that she would do her best to make everything completely refundable. I'm in love...I feel so much more relaxed about it all knowing that I won't have to worry anymore. Hopefully.

Bump #3:
What the crap am I going to do with my life?!
I don't know...
The fix?
I still don't know....

Trampling The Pansies

It's offical, J is now a Fleet Marine. He is no longer "Student Status". 

I am so proud of him. Having followed him through this whole process and aspired to do the same things that he is now doing, I feel like I can...appreciate it. I am also insanely jealous. I can't even describe what I would give to be able to be a Marine. I wouldn't give J up for it. And my family. But that's about it.

You know, when I got discharged, it was a pretty big deal to me. I was sitting in the interview room with my recruiter and he looked and me and said, "I'm sorry but you've been permanently disqualified..."  I tried my very best to put on a my "big-girl" face and not get upset about it. In fact, I almost expected to feel a little relieved.

A little background might be helpful...
After J proposed, we kinda decided we might want to rearrange my plans a little bit and I considered asking to get discharged. I eventually decided not to but I got my date moved from March 5, 2012 to May 21, 2012. That's this coming Monday...So I figured, hey, if I get discharged because of getting hurt, it's no big deal because I thought I wanted to get discharged anyway. Right?

No. after 15 seconds after he told me it had sunken in and I started to cry. I felt like the biggest baby ever and my recruiter got this very scared look on his face. Poor guy...He had to deal with a crying 18 year old girl. No fun.

I texted J and and I asked him to call me when he got the chance. I got lucky and he called me about 2 minutes after I sent that text. My recruiter walked out of the room and I just lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. J was sitting there on the other end waiting for me to tell him that someone died.  Well, I finally caught my breath and I told him what had happened. I'm not really sure how he felt about it when I told him, but I felt like he was happy. I can't blame him. Not having to deal with two military schedules was going to be so much easier for our relationship (Even though right now, I feel like it doesn't get harder than this...unfortunately, I know that it does.) I know that somewhere in there he was happy and felt like it was for the best...And maybe it is, but maybe it isn't...

When I got home and spread the word of what happened, I was a mess. I was crying and worried about my life and I felt (and still feel) so very lost. Everyone basically made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel that way. They (they being my family and J) kept telling me that I'm still young and have my entire life before my eyes and I shouldn't feel like I this. Well, I've got some news for them and for anyone else who has something to say about it.

I don't care how I should feel. And it doesn't matter one bit to me that I could, supposedly, have my pick of careers. I didn't/don't care that I might find something better. I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that my dream was taken from me. And I'm hurting because I've been too far from the love of my life for too long.

You might know better than I do, but I have to figure this out for myself...I need to grieve this great loss and find something better for myself and I don't need other people telling me what I should feel like and what it's supposed to be and what I could do...Those things don't matter all that matters is how it is.


I guess that until I figure that all out I'll just be...trampling the pansies.