Frustration...

This is so very frustrating.
I get in this awesome mood where I feel like nothing can touch me. I look good, I feel good, and all the bad things in my life seem to fade into the background. It almost seems as if they aren't there at all. Then all of a sudden something small happens.  It's something completely insignificant that should not bother me, but it does. Then I'm a complete mess again.

I don't understand.

Right when things start to be okay and I don't want to jump off of a bridge anymore, something pops up that hurts me again...It isn't fair. I'm working really hard to be positive even though it feel like I haven't got a single reason to be. Why can't things just be okay and stay okay? At least for a while. I'm sick of losing sleep over matter that will never be resolved. :(

Yeah, I'm going to just pretend that post didn't happen. Instead, I'm going to talk about my favorite TV as of late. It's  How I Met Your Mother.  That show is pretty much the thing right now. Everyone knows about it, everyone loves it and it's constantly talked about. Maybe it isn't everywhere, but around here and among my Facebook Friends, it's all the rage.

I posted something on my persoanl facebook page that said something to the affect of "How I Met Your Mother gives me hope for my life. I feel like if Ted Mosby can figure things out after life gets stupid over and over again, I can to" It may have even said exactly that...

Now I'm aware that it's just a TV show, and for the most part, there's not gigantic life lessons to take from it like it's an episode of Full House or Sabrina the Teenage Witch or something.  I do however, think that there's plenty of good things to learn from it.

Yeah, I'm one of those people that digs for the moral of every story, but it tends to pay off, so I continue to do it.

What I learn form most episodes of this beautiful show, is that when everthing falls apart and seems like it's beyond repair, something comes along and makes it better. It doesn't have to be a permanant fix and it doesn't have to the end all be all of fixes, but things get better. Despite the fact that I have been down in the dumps for over a month now, I know that eventually, there will be something that will make this pain subside and things are going to be alright...

Thank goodness for How I Met Your Mother...It really puts things into perspective.

Oh Yeah! Don't forget to Link up with the Wednesday Walk About! With one of these lovely ladies!

Sarah - G.I. Joe's Wife 

Chantal - Scattered Seashells 

Jane - Taingamala 

Jamie - Handling With Grace

TGIF

Well, sadly, I think it's safe to say that I didn't get the promotion. I knew I would be sad about it, but I found out from an email that was congratulating someone else on my team for getting the job...That's not cool. They should have notified everyone who didn't get it before they told those who did. I think I would be a little less annoyed if I hadn't found out like that.

On a little bit brighter side, though, we did what's called a PFA (Physical Fitness Assesment) at PT yesterday. For the Army, you have to pass this assesment before you can leave for boot camp. It's one mile, one minute of push-ups and one mintue of sit-ups. Personally, I think that it's a little bit ridiculous that that's all that is required. It should be a little bit harder. But I'm coming from a completely different background where even the best isn't good enough...

Anyway, my point was, I basically knocked it out of the park, as far as I'm concerned. I can't even imagine where I would be if I had had 2 minutes to do everything.

I did 21 push-ups (I could have done more, but the guy doing the time confused me so I thought I was done before I actually was. I did 39 sit-ups (definitely could have done better!) and I ran 1 mile in 9:04. That I am pretty proud of. I'm really not the fastest running in the world. I really have to push myself to go faster. So that wasn't so bad. 

Here's my score sheet. I'm cool.

I think that next week, I'm going to force myself to run a full... PFT(physical fitness test) I don't know what the Army calls it. I should probably find out...

Oh well. TGIF right? Hope your Friday is a little bit better than mine.

Nowhere to go but forward...

Alright, I decided that before I start moving things into place, I'd give you a sneak-peak of my bedroom.

Like I said, in high school I thought that these two colors would be totally awesome...Well I've not only grown out of that but I also have an extremem need for change right now. This room has been a place where I have shared a lot of things with a lot of people (not just J) and I really want this room to be different. I want it to be a place where I can escape and not think about the people that I've shared this room with.

What do you think?

A couple of days ago, I bought a white shelf thing and some drawers to go inside it ( I also bought a bunch of new gym clothes and I spent way too much money...#retailtherapy...haha)

I'm planning to get rid of that dresser in the top picture, my computer/computer desk, and my TV. I am considering also getting rid of that book shelf in the talk picture as well, but I haven't quite decided yet.

I hope that this brand-new room will help me feel...clensed. I've been so frustrated with everything in my life for the longest time. Even when I was ridiculously happy with J and I could hardly want another thing in the world, I felt lost. I felt like I had no direction and no real plans for me. Yeah, at that point, I was planning a life with J. I was really excited about that, but it was hard to be okay with just being a wife. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just didn't see that being the life for me.

Currently, I'm at a turning point (I'm not happy about how I got to this point, but as much as I hate to admit it, it must be for the best...) that basically decides how things go for me for the rest of my life. Yes, it's true, you can change your direction at 25, 30, 50...whatever, but I'm seeing this "transition period" of my life as a very crucial point in my life. 

I talked to J's sister last night. We'll call her T. T said something to me that was very insightful. She said "What other choice do you have than to pick up and forget about it?"

And she's right...I won't just be able to forget the way that I have been treated, and I won't forget this hurt that I am feeling right now, but I don't have any other choice but to pick up and move on with my life.  I'm not going to feel better over night, but I have to take some baby steps...And my room, that is the first step.

I've got nowhere to go but forward... 

P.S-- I check into my unit and get my military ID on Tuesday...I'm getting my drill schedule and I'm gonna get to work...Wish me luck!

Road to Recovery

Today has been...horrible.

I have tried so hard to just keep my chin up and just be okay. But I'm not. I feel like there is just a cloud hanging over me. I spent a lot of my morning laying in "bed" (I'm sleeping on my little sister's floor because I all of sudden decided I had to paint my room) and hating my life.

I cried, and I screamed and I texted J way too much and I did exactly what I told myself not to and what I wouldn't. I begged. To this moment in time, we haven't even talked about this for one minute on the phone. It has all been through texts. How freakin' stupid is that?

I begged and begged and I told him that I would get in my car and be there in the morning. That I wasn't ready to give up and I didn't want to lose him. Of course I was shot down and just continued to hurt and cry and scream and hate. He explained to me that he had "moved on" and truly had no feelings for me anymore...

I'm sorry for saying this, but does that actually happen? Do you wake up one day and say "Welp, I think I'm gonna stop loving my Katie Girl today...I'm sick of her."  ugh...I didn't want this post to be a vent, but now that's exactly what I have made it.

On the bright side (I use bright very lightly unfortunately, let's say a little bit lighter than dim-side) I'm finally getting started on my blog design! I'm not as excited as I was before all of this happened, but I still want my blog to look great even though it is about to morph into something completely different than I had planned.

I also had a personal training session today. My trainer is a cute 23 year old that is always so sweet and makes me feel so good about myself (Even though he makes it so that I can't walk the next day...) so I was actually glad to go and get out of the house. He said a bunch of swear words and listened to me rant about how upset I was and that was good. Personal training may as well be therapy and he's helping me get ready for Basic.

I guess until I get things all figured out and pick myself up of of the floor...(ha, I'm literally sitting on the floor right now...) I'm just going to be as lost as ever. I don't know what to do, but I sincerely appreciate all the kind comments that I got on my last post. I really needed to hear all of the things that everyone had to say. I hope that you're all right. I hope that it gets better...because right now, it kinda feels like the end of the world...I guess that I have just started my road to recovery. I hope that it isn't as bumpy of a road as I'm anticipating...

The Part Where She Gets Dumped

Hey there blog-world, put on your sympathy hats because this is about to get sad.

J decided yesterday, that he no longer loves me. That he'd rather see other people and that I'm not worth the lonliness that he feels every day.

He officially broke up with me and told me that he doesn't  want me to have his ring and that he doesn't feel anything towards me. I don't know what to do.

I have never felt so broken. I had so much trust in J and so much hope for our future. I knew that we were going to make it. I was not scared that this would happen...But I should have seen it coming.

I should have known that it was all too good to be true, and I wouldn't ever get the "happily ever after..." that I wanted.  It's too fair and it's too right for me to just get what I want. Right?

I am sitting here at work, staring at my computer and typing and trying so so hard to not think about him. I'm trying to erase him from my brain but he is everywhere in everything.

I just keep looking towards the sky and asking for the hurt to go away...It doesn't.

For now, this blog might be a little bit...depressing, but I'm going to keep blogging. I think that it will be threaputic in a sense. Obviously the direction is going to change a bit, but I won't let him take this away from me.

I won't.