Life is tough...

Right now, J and I are going through what you might call...a rough patch. On Monday, he broke up with me.

I say, "he broke up with me" and not "we broke up" because I had zero input and wasn't able to get a word in edgewise.  He simply explained to me that he couldn't handle a relationship anymore. He said that he was too stressed out for all of "this". I don't think going into detail is necessary, but for right now, we're not engaged. We're not even together at all.

Since Monday, though, a lot of things have changed.  He asked for his ring back so I took that along with several other things I had of his to his house the next day and I cried on his mom's couch for a few hours. We talked about what we thought was going through his head, what I could do to help him realize what he did was wrong (not the breaking up with me part. If he doesn't want to be with me, it's not like I can force him, but he didn't do it right...not that, to me, there is any right way, but you get the gist...),  and how I could help him relieve his stress, and how no one thinks that our break up is for good.


On Monday, if you had asked me if I thought we might be able to work something out, I would have said "No way, Jose." I felt like his mind was made up. I spent the entire evening literally screaming at the top of my lungs and crying my eyes out...so it basically felt like the end of the world. On Tuesday though, everything changed.

I got home from his mom's house and I decided I needed to keep myself busy. It was my day off so I didn't have to work. I cleaned my room and did some laundry and some dishes and tried not to throw away things that reminded me of J. I did a pretty good job. I made plans to have dinner with his sister and tried really hard to not...feel like shit I guess is the only way to put this.

As I was cleaning, he gave me a call and he was clearly upset.  He had just gotten off the phone with his mom and was starting to feel like he had made a big mistake (I'm all like...DUH!).  I told him that he had to calm down and go to work. The fact that he had about seven minutes left of his lunch and had to go soon made me very hesitant to start anything. So I told him a few things that I knew would make him feel better and explained that I was going to be okay and we hung up the phone. I felt...so much better.


Later, when I was driving home from his sister's house we had a nice long talk about nothing specific and decided that when he got back from his month long training, we would reevaluate our situation and talk through things together and decide what we wanted to do...


So here I sit, waiting out these 23 days and praying that he still wants to be with me...
I mean come on, look how cute we are together.

Memorial Day

What I Learned At Work Today [Week 4]

Today at work, I sought information on the upcoming holiday. Memorial day is not a day that I have typically given much thought to. It was nice in school to have the three day weekend after long weeks of no breaks but other than that, memorial day didn't mean much to me at all.

Seems how I am getting ready to send the love of my life off to war, I thought maybe I could learn a little bit about it and really think about all of the liberties that we as citizens of the United States have because of the Soldiers, Marines, Airmen, and Sailors that have given their lives.

I don't know anyone that died fighting a war, and I sincerely hope that I never do. But what I do have, are people very close to me that volunteered to put themselves in harms way because they believe in something bigger than them.

So, what I learned today, was that Memorial Day has been one that was celebrated since just after the civil war. It was first referred to as Decoration Day and was a day dedicated to decorating the graves of those who had died in the war.

Memorial Day was made an offical Federal holiday in 1971. The last Monday in May was chosen because the flowers would be in bloom. New York state was the first state observe this holiday.

In the year 1915, Monica Michael wrote this poem in respone to "In Flanders Fiels" that made red poppies the flower that represented this day that we give thanks to those who died for their country. For our country.

We cherish too, the Poppy red

that grows on fiels where valor led,

It seems to signal to the skies

That blood of heroes never dies.

That was completely new to me. I had no idea that red poppies had anything to do with memorial day.

Memorial day has become a day where you don't only decorate the graves of fallen soldiers but any of the people in your life that have passed away. I think this is not a bad thing at all. It is a good thing to remember those that are no longer with you.  Make tomorrow a day about more than your boat or fishing trip or...whatever. It was created for a reason.

What Memorial Day means to me
From this point forward, Memorial Day will be more than a BBQ or a camping trip. It won't be a day off of work or time and a half pay. It will be a day that I take to remember those who died for my right to have a blog and to say whatever the hell I wish to say. It will be a day that I not only appreciate my wonderful fiance for his service to his country but  maybe even feel a little bad about the fact that I get a little upset when he can't call me, or he's too tired to talk on the phone all night, or when I'm being negative and he just doesn't want to deal with it. 
It's a day to remember how I have the priveledge to live so freely in the United States (no matter how much money we owe China I can still say whatever I want). It's like...Thanksgiving, but without the food and a more specific thing to be thankful for... 
What a cool day that very few people participate in.

[Info and photograph were found at purpletrail.com I take no credit for the facts or picture only my own opinions]

Put A Smile On

Recently, I have leanred a little lesson.  I read some article that I saw in this post from a Military Spouse a while back and I have decided that now is the time to take it to heart.

To summarize just a little, the article is by a woman named Jessie Knadler.  She is the wife of a Captian in the Army Reserve holding down the fort while her husband is on deployment and she is talking about all of the challenges that come with being the wife of someone in the Millitary.  She spoke of how it is sometimes necessary to just say "Everything is fine" even when it isn't. And how sometimes, it's just not so easy to keep that up. That is a very brief summary. You can read the whole thing in the link I posted before.

Anyway, at the time that I read this, I didn't think much about it. I liked it, but I didn't feel like it related to me. J isn't deployed, I'm not raising a child on my own, and I don't really know of all the challenges that await me. But recently, I have been having quite a lot of trouble with myself. I haven't been happy with the way things are going for me. It's not because I'm unhappy with my relationship. This separation that we are going through is temorary and things will get better, I'm sure of it. The problem I'm experiencing now is more of one that he can't solve.

I'm upset that I got discharged from the Marines. I'm mad at myself for not having a plan B.  I sit here at my desk all day and blog about my problems and I haven't got a clue what to do to fix them. And unfortunately, this frustration with myself has seeped into everything else and caused me to be...perpetually grumpy.  And I suck at hiding it.
So when I'm on the phone with J, he gets grumpy becasue I'm grumpy and he dones't want to talk to me. And everyone in my family thinks that I'm being ridiculous when really, I'm just not happy and I'm tired of pretending...

That being said, I still need to supportive of J. It's important for me to not add to the stresses in his life. He's concerned about keeping up and making mistakes. He's worried about the upcoming deployment and being able to do his job. I don't need to be bothering him with my bad mood. I need to remember that...It's not worth making it even harder for him to be away from me...  So, I guess I will just put a smile on and do my best to be happy...

Because I feel like complaining

I am really learning to hate the fleet.
In the two weeks that J has been a fleet Marine we've talked on the phone for about 40 minutes one night (friday...so he had the rest of the night off of course) and that is just about it. a few minutes here and there and a couple of texts.
I don't know if he's just so busy and tired that he can't take a minute to talk to me, or if he just doesn't feel like making a minute to talk to me. Which would be unlike him...but it seems like he doesn't want to talk when we're talking. And for him, it probably doesn't seem that way, because he's busy doing crap all day long, but I'm not. I notice. It doesn't feel good and I don't know how to talk to him about it...

I'm not the kind of girl that must have a goodnight phone call every night and I don't need a play-by-play every day. It's just not necessary for me to know his every move all the time. But I miss him. And when I have a crappy day (aka: every day...) I just want to hear his voice. I don't think he understands what it means to me to have him call me...but when he doesn't it's like it just makes my day that much worse. I just feel shrugged off for more important things...which I guess I should probably get used to...

The other thing that is frustrating, is my sister is now in a relationship (facebook official and everything) with the friend that J introduced her to and she talks about how they talk all day long and how he's so excited to skype her and blah blah blah and just makes it seem so much worse that I'm not talking to J...

I love him more than anything in the world, I just don't know how to deal with this without sounding like I'm selfish...What he's doing is important. I don't want to distract him from his work. It's important to him to make sure he knows what he's doing and that he holds his own against the infantry Marines in hikes and all that other stuff. I don't want to sound like I'm being a big baby and have him get all frustrated with me because he doesn't know how to make time for me. Or maybe he just doesn't want to make time.

I don't know. I'm done complaining...guess it doesn't matter...It's my blog and I can complain if I want...not like anyone reads this anyway.

Bumps In The Road

It seems that lately, I've been hitting a whole bunch of bumps in the road, but my attitude has changed a lot. Instead of looking at the bumps and thinking about how crappy it's going to be to have to drive over, picturing the jostled papers, the tiped over bag and the drink I'm going to have to hold as I go over every bump I've been thinking about how to just avoid them altogether. Take a detour, if you will. Can you tell I like metaphors?

Bump #1:
I've been gaining weight like crazy!
It's truly crazy. I have always been a very naturally thin person. I had to gain weight to get into the Marines for hell's sake...And now, I look in the mirror and for the first time in my lifek, I am so unhappy with what I see. I think it's partly from being away from J. Food is a very comforting thing and with him gone, I want some comfort. I've never been much of an eater, but recently, food is one of the things that I think about most.
The fix?  I've decided that I'm not going to eat less, I'm going to eat different. I love to eat a lot of healthy things, it's just a matter of doing it. And not eating out so much...I eat out way too much. This month, I get to do the family grocery shopping and I'm planning on getting a wonderful variety of things that will be a welcome change for me and for my family. I think it will be a double whammy too. It will give me some experience in shopping (you know how I like to learn about saving money!) So that should be nice. I'm also going to have to start working out a whole lot more...I have been very lazy lately. I did a run and some PT yesterday and now I am dying here in my desk...time to work out!

Bump #2:
My 5 year engagement.
Okay, so maybe it's not...and it won't be...hopefully. But It feels like it. I've been looking at some places to get married and was getting so frustrating because no one was willing to work with the fact that I could possibly have to make changes and move dates if things ended up not working out because of permissions and leave etc. They were simply just...unreasonable. It was getting very discouraging. On top of that J is getting...jittery about the upcoming deployment. Which is completely understandable, but it makes me not want to talk to him about anything dealing with our wedding because it stresses him out. And we don't need him stressed...
The fix?
Yesterday, we went to a reception center called The Woods on Ninth and it is just absolutely beautiful. When I walked in, I felt like I had found the place but was instantly a little sick because I knew it wouldn't work out. It would be too difficult without a date and all these litlte complications.
Well, I was totally wrong. The manager lady got all excited and made me feel so much better and told me that we could figure something out and make something work. That it wouldn't be a problem if I had to change things around and that she would do her best to make everything completely refundable. I'm in love...I feel so much more relaxed about it all knowing that I won't have to worry anymore. Hopefully.

Bump #3:
What the crap am I going to do with my life?!
I don't know...
The fix?
I still don't know....

What I Learend At Work Today [Week 3]

I learned a lot of things today.

I did some cross stitching and I read some blogs of other people who are in my similar situation. They are married to, or are in realtionships with men in the military. Each one of them seem to have different struggles. Sometimes it's that they are raising a child alone. Sometimes they are surviving a deployment. Other times, they are just dealing with the every day struggles of loving a man in the military.

Well, I think that I learned something from these ladies, is that this is not as good as it gets. I read all their stories of how much fun they have in exciting new places and I see how wonderful  (and have felt how wonderful) it is when you see your man for the first time in so long. I learned that I need to try and see the bright side of my situation. I'm not alone in this and I have a whole lot to look forward to. I need to be more excited about it and less anxious.

I also read something that was...kind of strange. I saw something on Pinterest that was about "Fitspiration" I had never heard that word before Beauty Redefined told me about it. Basically, it's all those picutres you see on FB, Twitter (I don't tweet, but that's what the article was saying...so I guess I believe it.) and Pinterest that have a photograph of a very fit person with something "motivational" next to it such as "No matter how slow you are going, you are still lapping everyone on the couch".  They likend it to "thinspo" (the stuff that promotes eating disorders) and made is sound bad...This article was basically saying that we shouldn't be encouraging these types of Pins, tweets, etc. because they promote negative body image towards oneself. It makes you think that one body type is better than the other or even one type is "correct" when put next to another.

Personally, I like those motivational pictures. I don't really pin a whole lot of them. I have a few but they aren't exactly like the ones that are being described, but I feel like this article only saw one thing in these pictures:  The "perfect" bodies of the women. It's like they ignored the fact that the things that the little quotes say are not negative things most of the time. They are just trying to say, Hey, get up off the couch and do something active. It's good for you. The people that take that as "my body is not acceptable" should take a second look. Becase it's not about having a body that is right or the best, it's about feeling good about the way you look. And If you aren't happy about it, do something about it.

But of course, that is only my opinion...What do you think about "fitspiration"? Is it motivational, or does it make you feel bad about yourself?

I learned something else today, but it's really boring. I heard something on the radio this morning about it being the 200th anniversary of the War of 1812 this year and I realized I couldn't remember what it was about. Well, in case you were wondering, I found out that the war of 1812 began becasue Great Britain didn't want Napolean's France to trade with anyone so they started trying to regulate the trade from other countries including the US. The US having only just gained independence and not wanting to be threatened by the "Mother Country" began to defend themselves. They fought many battles that eventually ended with the Treaty of Ghent (Modern Belgium) that settled their issues and ended the war. Unfortunately, news of the Treaty didn't travel fast and another battle began against Andrew Jacksons' soldiers. They won their battle and it boosted U.S. Morale and was really a good thing for the US. So Cool. 200th anniversary of a pivitol war that no one knows anything about!  To learn more, I got my info from History.com. It's

And that! Is what I learned at work today.

Trampling The Pansies

It's offical, J is now a Fleet Marine. He is no longer "Student Status". 

I am so proud of him. Having followed him through this whole process and aspired to do the same things that he is now doing, I feel like I can...appreciate it. I am also insanely jealous. I can't even describe what I would give to be able to be a Marine. I wouldn't give J up for it. And my family. But that's about it.

You know, when I got discharged, it was a pretty big deal to me. I was sitting in the interview room with my recruiter and he looked and me and said, "I'm sorry but you've been permanently disqualified..."  I tried my very best to put on a my "big-girl" face and not get upset about it. In fact, I almost expected to feel a little relieved.

A little background might be helpful...
After J proposed, we kinda decided we might want to rearrange my plans a little bit and I considered asking to get discharged. I eventually decided not to but I got my date moved from March 5, 2012 to May 21, 2012. That's this coming Monday...So I figured, hey, if I get discharged because of getting hurt, it's no big deal because I thought I wanted to get discharged anyway. Right?

No. after 15 seconds after he told me it had sunken in and I started to cry. I felt like the biggest baby ever and my recruiter got this very scared look on his face. Poor guy...He had to deal with a crying 18 year old girl. No fun.

I texted J and and I asked him to call me when he got the chance. I got lucky and he called me about 2 minutes after I sent that text. My recruiter walked out of the room and I just lost it. I was crying so hard I couldn't speak. J was sitting there on the other end waiting for me to tell him that someone died.  Well, I finally caught my breath and I told him what had happened. I'm not really sure how he felt about it when I told him, but I felt like he was happy. I can't blame him. Not having to deal with two military schedules was going to be so much easier for our relationship (Even though right now, I feel like it doesn't get harder than this...unfortunately, I know that it does.) I know that somewhere in there he was happy and felt like it was for the best...And maybe it is, but maybe it isn't...

When I got home and spread the word of what happened, I was a mess. I was crying and worried about my life and I felt (and still feel) so very lost. Everyone basically made me feel like I wasn't allowed to feel that way. They (they being my family and J) kept telling me that I'm still young and have my entire life before my eyes and I shouldn't feel like I this. Well, I've got some news for them and for anyone else who has something to say about it.

I don't care how I should feel. And it doesn't matter one bit to me that I could, supposedly, have my pick of careers. I didn't/don't care that I might find something better. I'm just hurting. I'm hurting that my dream was taken from me. And I'm hurting because I've been too far from the love of my life for too long.

You might know better than I do, but I have to figure this out for myself...I need to grieve this great loss and find something better for myself and I don't need other people telling me what I should feel like and what it's supposed to be and what I could do...Those things don't matter all that matters is how it is.


I guess that until I figure that all out I'll just be...trampling the pansies.

What I Learned At Work Today [Week 2]

so this was supposed to happen on Wednesday, but I got a little carried away pinning things for my wedding...Oops. So this got a little waylaid. But never fear, I shall tell you what I learned at work today!
So, on Monday, I had to go pick up a perscription after work. I had to hurry to the pharmacy before my doctor's office closed. I made it in the nick of time and put in my perscription and had to wait for over an hour to get it filled so I went home to do some chores and figured I'd go pick it up later. Well, the phramacy called and the perscription was ready. Awesome.
So I jumped in the car, turned the key, and my car would not start! Now, my car is pretty old. I've said before that I drive a 76 Ford Maverick. But up until Monday (my BIRTHDAY!) I have never had a problem. My cute little Franc has always been pretty reliable. Unfortunately, my dad can't figure out what's wrong.  That meant that I got to drive the van to work today. The van isn't a bad vehicle, but when your dad has been driving it for the past year and the steering wheel has this awesome grimey man-film on it and the seat belt got my white dress all dirty...So the first thing I learned today (okay so it was yesterday now...), was....

 That I was crazy when I decided I wanted that car in the first place! Don't get me wrong. I loooved that old guy since the day I got him. But I really should have considered the fact that I was going to have to sell him off later to get something else...Now I'm stuck dropping off my dad every day and driving the dumb old van. : P at least I have something to drive though, right?

Hmmm....well it's still early, (my shift doesn't even start for another 30 minutes...I'm always really early) so I might need to cruise pinterest and yahoo for a minute to learn some more things to share with you today.

Later on...

Wow. Pinterest has a lot of things dealing with fitness and motivation to get fit and quick little "Get a bikini body after working out for 20 mins every day" dealies. And I most definitely learned that I need to go to the gym...You know that if you are reading the 10 exercise work out that takes 20 minutes and you feel kinda tired just thinking about it, you have been away from the gym far too long...

Also, I discovered Sandwich Art (what the hell?) Sure, It was cool when my mom used the flower cookie cutter to make my PB&J more interesting but really? These things are like...crazy intricate and it looks VERY time consuming. You can see it here on one of my pinterest boards. Holy moly moms are getting creative these days. If I ever start making cartoon characters out of sandwiches, stop me before it's too late...

Well, I have another post to write before this day is over. So. Until next week!

It's My Birthday!

I am so behind on my blogging. I'll be doing "What I Learned At Work Today"on Wednesday and updating you on my life...right about now.

So since my trip to 29 I've been working a ton of weird hours. In order to get time off you have to just trade shifts around and try to make something work for you. So I ended up working all weekend. Totally lame. But luckily, I've been passing my tests with high scores and earned the priveledge to watch videos between calls. It makes the time pass quite a lot faster. So My 10 hour work day Saturday wasn't as horrible as it would have been otherwise.
In other news, I've been doing a ton of wedding planning. It makes me really excited for the future. We bought one bridesmaid dress and we're doing more of that shopping later as well. I've got most of the stuff for my center pieces and I plan on getting to work on them very soon.  I'll post some pictures when I gt one completed :)

And for the most exciting part, today is my birthday.  I'm 19 today. I have been in a pretty bad mood all weekend. My family went out of town for a yearly vacation I couldn't go on because of my crazy working weekend, and I've just wanted to get some stuff done around my house, but it has just been impossible with my work schedule.
Luckily, I got home around 9:30 last night and had a little bit of time to take care of the dishes (just a little side note, why on earth would you run the diswasher when it only has like five spoons in the silverware thing?! There were plenty more forks and knives to be washed...ugh if you do chores, do them right) After that, I made some slightly bunrt popcorn and watched One Tree Hill on Netflix and tried to forget how lonely I was.
It's strange because I usually really like to be alone. It's nice for me to just have time to myself to reflect on my life and contemplate cleaning my disasterousy messy room ( I never actually clean it...just contemplate it.) but because it's my birthday today and everyone was gone all weekend (and today :( ) I just wasn't so happy to be alone. It mostly just makes me miss J and want to be with him even more than I already do.

But other than my pouty, moodiness, I have been thinking about all of the really great birthdays that I have had in the past.

I think that the most memorable ones involve balloons.
When I was in...oh I can't remember maybe 5th or 6th grade? my family had a huge bunch of helium balloons in my room when I woke up. It was a small gesture but it just started my day off so great. I remember how happy I felt to see them there when I got up. It was really an awesome feeling, especially because I never expect anything particularly grand on my birthday so I'm always surprised when something cool happens.

When I turned 13, my sister threw me a surprise party. That was...awesome. I had no idea what was going on...My dad took me door knob shopping to keep me busy while they were setting up and waiting for guest to arrive. Good one dad...When I walked in the room the there was huge group of my friends and family sitting there in a sea of balloons and I was completely shocked...I guess the doorknob shoping wasn't enough to give it away.

But I think the best birthday yet, was my 16th birthday. I had always wanted to have flowers delivered to me at school and I had made comments about in the past, so I always wondered if I might just so happen to get some flowers this birhtday. Well, I was sitting in 4th period (Last class of the day) and I had given up on the flowers. I knew it wouldn't happen. So I was sitting there reading whatever dumb book the teacher was making us read when I heard someone come in and the teacher announced to the class that they could put away their things and said something about having a special something or other...

I turned in my seat to see what she was talking about and there were my Grandma and sister with the big candy cake, balloons, and a big bouquet of beautiful gerber daises. I almost cried I was so happy. But instead of actually crying I just got REALLY embarrassed and turned bright red as my class sang happy birthday to me.
It was truly the most amazing thing anyone had done for me. It might seem silly, but for some reason or another, I feel like the forgotten child. And I'm totally not forgotten, but I'm the middle. Sometimes I get lost in the mix, But I that day, I felt so special. And people approached me in the halls about it for the rest of the month and told me how cool it was that my family did that for me.  I was soo grateful for them.
That was so awesome. And now, we get a little "Happy birthday" on FB, a text message, and if you're lucky, a phone call...I guess things have changed a little.
Well, I'd better get to work...

Until next time. :)

Return To 29!

Well, I'm back from the desert again. This time the trip was a little bit different. First of all, I actually got some pictures. I'm going to warn you now, I'm taking this lovely little medication that I do believe is making me gain weight. I've gained ten lbs. in about...a month. And I'm lucky enough to carry it right in my belly, so I look nice and 4 months pregnant. I assure you, I'm not.
So, we jumped in the car around 06:00 and I took the first shift of driving (my first "long distance" drive!) and I drove us all the way to Cedar City. A whopping 3 and 1/2 hours from our house...Then I passed the keys on over to big sis and I let her drive the rest of the 6+ hours to our destination. It wasn't a bad drive, we made sure that we were prepared for it. I made us tuna fish and we brought plenty of good stuff to drink and snack on. Last trip, we just at McDonalds and stuff and felt real sick the whole time.


We pulled reached Las Vegas aroun 1:30 (we made really good time with my sister driving) and don't worry, we got a picture of the big tortoise on the freeway for you!  I suck at taking pictures with my phone.  So when I was tasked with taking this photo in the moving vehicle, I was very nervous, but never fear, I got the job done.
The nice thing about reaching Las Vegas, is it means that you're almost there. Once you hit Primm (The little town with the huge outlet mall and Whiskey Petes off I-15) you jump off the freeway and start into the Mojave Desert. That, my friends, is kinda scary if I'm being completely honest. Luckily though, it's the home stretch!



So we finally arrived and got all cleaned up and ready to go when we received the call that it was time to go pick up the Js (same name remember?). So we started our drive to the base and I got all excited when we finally drove through the gates. Even though I had seen him the weekend before the last it still felt like the first time in a century. Because there isn't much to do in 29 Palms and the pool was closed :( we had to think of other adventures. There was a gate ajar in the back of the parking lot, so we ventured through it and climbed a mountain and spotted rabbits and coyotes. Not a big deal.  The thing about the mountains in this god forsaken place, is they don't really look like mountains...I live in Utah in the Salt Lake Valley which means there's gigantic mountains all around me that are green and covered with snow from November to June so hiking up this mountain made me feel like I was on a different planet. But we got some kinda cutish pictures? See? 4+ months pregnant...not cool.

We also ventured into the town of Joshua Tree and went to a Flea Market (we saw a tortoise!) and a thrift store. And you know how I love thrift stores! The cool thing about this one, was it seemed to be in an old bank.  So there was  a vault in the back with clothes in it. It was kinda awesome...
But that pretty much concludes my trip to see my Marine. We had a wonderful time together and I miss him already.  The worst part? I haven't a clue when I'm going to see him again...